Transcript of "Take Me Out to the Graveyard" -- not the original script.
CHAPPELL: Quiet, please.
(SILENCE)
CHAPPELL: Quiet, please.
(MUSIC ... THEME ... FADE FOR)
ANNOUNCER: The Mutual Broadcasting System presents "Quiet, Please!" which is written and directed by Wyllis Cooper, and features Ernest Chappell. "Quiet, Please!" for tonight is called "Take Me Out to the Graveyard."
(MUSIC ... THEME ... UP AND FADE)
---
JULIUS: (NARRATES) "Which one?" I said.
(TO MR. BOOTH) WHICH graveyard?
Well, we got a lot of 'em. The new one, the old one, the Catholic one, the Potter's Field--
BOOTH: Oh, any one'll do, driver. I'm not particular.
JULIUS: You kiddin', mister?
BOOTH: No. Just take me out to the graveyard, that's all.
JULIUS: (NARRATES) Well! You drive a cab twelve, fifteen years like I done, you get some funny ones. Drunks that wanna take you home with 'em, guys that tell ya to take 'em to the Whosit Hotel when you're parked practically in front of it, dames that want you--
Well, ya get some funny ones, but this is the first time I run into this kind o' character.
Well, so I'm drivin' a cab to make a buck, not to argue with people about where they wanna go. So I think: (SLYLY) Lakeside Cemetery. (CHUCKLES, AMUSED) That's the farthest. I can rack up a couple of bucks and maybe there'll be somebody out there who'll wanna take a ride back to town. (CHUCKLES)
(TO BOOTH) Get in, mister!
SOUND: (CAB DOOR SHUTS)
(MUSIC ... SLIGHTLY OMINOUS ... IN BG ... OCCASIONALLY COMMENTING ON THE DIALOGUE)
JULIUS: "Nice day," I say to him.
BOOTH: Mm, yeah. Beautiful. I always say this time of the year is the prettiest.
JULIUS: Yes, so do I.
BOOTH: Good time of the year to die.
JULIUS: Huh?
BOOTH: I said this is a good time of the year to die.
JULIUS: Eh, for my dough, no time of the year's a good time to die.
BOOTH: You gotta die, though.
JULIUS: Yeah, but it ain't good.
BOOTH: I don't know.
JULIUS: (TAKEN ABACK) I don't either. I ain't died yet but I can't get very - enthusiastic about it.
BOOTH: That's why I wanted to go to the graveyard.
JULIUS: Why?
BOOTH: To die.
JULIUS: You - ain't nuts, are ya, mister?
BOOTH: Nope.
JULIUS: Heh.
BOOTH: What's your name, driver?
JULIUS: Julius Peterson.
BOOTH: My name's Booth.
JULIUS: Pleased to meet ya.
BOOTH: B-O-O-T-H.
JULIUS: Yes?
BOOTH: So they can tell people when they ask you.
JULIUS: Tell WHAT people?
BOOTH: Well, you know, policeman, coroners, whoever asks.
JULIUS: I already asked you if you're nuts, didn't I?
BOOTH: (LAUGHS) Well, I'm not.
JULIUS: Well, then you'd better take down your sign.
BOOTH: No, I'm perfectly okay, Julius.
JULIUS: Well, somethin's wrong with ya, if ya talk that way.
BOOTH: Nope.
JULIUS: Are ya hurt? Er, like in your noggin or somethin'?
BOOTH: (LAUGHS) I never felt better in my life.
JULIUS: You wanna look out -- you might REALLY die.
BOOTH: I know it.
JULIUS: HOW do ya know?
BOOTH: Well, that I couldn't tell you, Julius. I just know it, that's all, and - I'm not particularly upset about it.
JULIUS: By gracious, _I_ am.
BOOTH: Think nothing of it, Julius.
JULIUS: You stop talkin' crazy then!
BOOTH: I'm not going to argue with you, Julius.
JULIUS: And DON'T DIE!
BOOTH: Julius, you stick to your driving and let me worry about the dying, will you?
JULIUS: You ain't worryin'. You're all the time grinnin' -- I can see ya in the rearview mirror.
BOOTH: (CHEERFUL) Ah ah, watch the road.
JULIUS: (LAUGHS) Y'ain't afraid o' gettin' killed, are ya?
BOOTH: (SERIOUS) No. _I'm_ not.
JULIUS: I - I didn't like the way you said that, there.
BOOTH: I'm sorry.
JULIUS: How you gonna do this, Mr. Booth?
BOOTH: Die?
JULIUS: Yeah.
BOOTH: I don't know -- yet.
JULIUS: Well, what if you don't?
BOOTH: I will.
JULIUS: (SUDDENLY REALIZES) Hey! Listen--
BOOTH: What?
JULIUS: What about me?
BOOTH: Oh, you'll be all right, Julius.
JULIUS: You sure?
BOOTH: Positive.
JULIUS: (RELIEVED SIGH, THINKS ABOUT IT) Well, that's something.
BOOTH: You know -- it IS a beautiful day.
JULIUS: You -- changin' your mind?
BOOTH: I can't change my mind.
JULIUS: Hey, do you work on the radio or somethin'?
BOOTH: Why?
JULIUS: Oh, I just thought maybe you was one of them fellas that think up these mystery kind o' stories. You know, it's night and you was practicin' on me?
BOOTH: Sorry to disappoint you, Julius.
JULIUS: I don't get it.
BOOTH: You will.
JULIUS: (AFTER A PAUSE) You live here in town?
BOOTH: Nope.
JULIUS: Stranger, huh?
BOOTH: That's right. A stranger. On his last taxicab ride.
JULIUS: (DOESN'T LIKE THE SOUND OF THAT) I'm beginnin' to get a idea about you, stranger.
BOOTH: You are?
JULIUS: I sure am.
BOOTH: What kind of idea you getting, Julius?
JULIUS: Listen, mister -- no suicides in MY cab.
BOOTH: I'm not going to commit suicide, Julius.
JULIUS: Yeah, you better not.
BOOTH: But I _am_ going to die.
(MUSIC ... AN ACCENT ... TO INDICATE THE CAB'S ABRUPT STOP)
JULIUS: (SUDDENLY HARSH) Listen--!
BOOTH: Hey, what are you stopping for? This isn't the cemetery.
JULIUS: I know it ain't but this is far as you're going.
BOOTH: Now, what do you mean? I hired you to--
JULIUS: Get out!
BOOTH: Now, look here, I--
JULIUS: Nix, nix! Get out, Mister Booth! I ain't ridin' any loose nuts to any cemetery with suicide on their mind.
BOOTH: I told you I am NOT going to commit suicide, Julius.
JULIUS: I'll say ya ain't. Not in my cab, at least. Outside, mister!
BOOTH: (CHUCKLES) Well, if you say so, but it--
JULIUS: And the clock says forty cents!
BOOTH: (LIGHTLY) Okay. ... Keep the rest of it.
SOUND: (CAB DOOR OPENS)
BOOTH: You know, you're not going to make it come out any different this way.
SOUND: (CAB DOOR SHUTS)
BOOTH: I really WASN'T going to die in YOUR cab, you know.
JULIUS: (SHOUTS) LOOK OUT!
(MUSIC ... SUDDEN MASSIVE SEARING ACCENT ... INDICATES MAN HIT BY TRUCK ... SUBSIDES TO A LOW RUMBLE ... THEN FADES OUT)
JULIUS: (ASTONISHED, NARRATES) Yeah.
Yeah, he was right.
Neither one of us saw the - gasoline truck that hit him.
How do you figure that?
He called it, didn't he?
Said he was gonna die.
My, was he right!
(MUSIC ... BRIEF ACCENT ... "TAKE ME OUT TO THE BALL GAME")
JULIUS: (NARRATES) Well, like I said, pretty nearly anything can happen to a cab driver. Only, it hardly ever happens twice. So it's a couple o' months later and I'm buckin' the line at the corner of Adams and Fulton and - this girl comes out of a store and walks towards me.
She's wearin' - black stockings. Don't see many gals wearin' black stockings these days. She steps toward the cab so I reach out the window and unbutton the door and I say:
(TO MISS GILBERT) Where to, lady?
MISS GILBERT: (CASUALLY) Take me out to the graveyard.
(MUSIC ... BRIEF ACCENT ... "TAKE ME OUT TO THE BALL GAME")
JULIUS: What'd you say, lady?
SOUND: (CAB DOOR SHUTS)
MISS GILBERT: I said the graveyard. The cemetery.
JULIUS: (DOESN'T LIKE THE SOUND OF THIS) Lady, you kiddin' me?
MISS GILBERT: Why should I kid you, driver?
JULIUS: (AFRAID TO ASK) What - cemetery do you wanna go to, lady?
MISS GILBERT: Oh, is there more than one?
JULIUS: Yes, ma'am.
MISS GILBERT: Oh, well, YOU pick one out.
JULIUS: (NARRATES) I turn around in the seat to look at her. She was just an ordinary-lookin' gal. Twenty-six, twenty-seven. She had on these black stockings. I look at her a minute. I said:
(TO MISS GILBERT, STERN) Lady -- listen.
MISS GILBERT: (INNOCENT) Yes?
JULIUS: Are you SURE you wanna go to the graveyard?
MISS GILBERT: I certainly am. Why?
JULIUS: I - don't like to go to the graveyard, lady.
MISS GILBERT: You don't?
JULIUS: No, lady.
MISS GILBERT: Well, that's all very interesting. But I want you to go to the graveyard. So will you please pull down your flag and start? (PAUSE) NOW, please, Julius.
SOUND: (PUTS CAB IN GEAR)
(MUSIC: FOR TRAVELING ... THEN IN BG)
JULIUS: (NARRATES) It never occurred to me for the longest time that - she called me Julius.
How did she know my name?
Hey, how do you figure this one, huh?
Oh, I don't like any part of this. One trip to the graveyard started just like this - and look what happened.
Well, I figure I'll run out of gas on this dame -- it's been done before when a hack don't want to take you where you want to go. I just open my mouth to say it to her and she says:
MISS GILBERT: And don't tell me you're out of gas, Julius, because I know better. I can see your gauge.
JULIUS: (PROTESTS MILDLY) Lady, I was just gonna tell ya that--
MISS GILBERT: (INTERRUPTS, INSISTENT) The graveyard, Julius.
JULIUS: (NARRATES) What are ya gonna do with a thing like this here? I don't like any little bitsy part of it. I - I try to jump a red light with a cop standin' right there lookin' at me and it - it turns green!
I am sunk.
This gal with the black stockings just giggles and laughs.
MISS GILBERT: (LAUGHS IN BG)
JULIUS: (NARRATES, ANNOYED) She was the cheerful-est woman I ever seen. She leans over, talks in my ear:
MISS GILBERT: (AMUSED) Hurry, Julius.
JULIUS: (NARRATES) I wanted to say, "Why, lady?"
You know what? I was scared of how she'd answer me!
Up Adams to Main. Out Main to Knoxville. Out Knoxville on the way to the graveyard.
And, after a while, she said somethin'. I was - thinking. I said:
(TO MISS GILBERT) What'd you say, lady?
MISS GILBERT: I said, "Can't you drive faster?"
JULIUS: (NARRATES) I thought I was saying, "Lady, they got speed laws in this here town." But that wasn't the way it come out. The way it come out was different.
Well, I KNOW it come out different because o' the way she answered me:
MISS GILBERT: Because I have to get there quickly. Because I've got to die.
JULIUS: (NARRATES) How scared can you get? I - missed the streetcar by about six inches.
SOUND: (STREETCAR BELL)
JULIUS: (NARRATES) Well - I - swallowed my heart back down, drove about half a block before I spoke to her again.
I said it very careful:
(TO MISS GILBERT) I - didn't understand you, lady.
MISS GILBERT: What?
JULIUS: I didn't get ya. Er, what you said.
MISS GILBERT: Oh! I said I've got to die.
JULIUS: I - I thought that's what you said.
MISS GILBERT: You see, that's why we have to hurry.
JULIUS: (HOPEFUL) You don't want to go to a - hospital?
(NARRATES) See, I'm trying to make myself -- what is it? (CAN'T FIND THE RIGHT WORD) Ra-rationalize this thing. I said:
(TO MISS GILBERT) You don't wanna go to a - hospital, huh?
MISS GILBERT: I'm not sick.
JULIUS: Well - well, what's all this about wantin' to die, ma'am?
MISS GILBERT: I didn't say I wanted to die, I said I HAVE to die.
JULIUS: This wouldn't be a gag, would it? No, it - it wouldn't be a gag.
MISS GILBERT: It certainly would not.
JULIUS: No, you wouldn't know about this guy.
MISS GILBERT: What are you talking about?
JULIUS: There was a - guy a couple of months ago, his name was Mr. Booth.
MISS GILBERT: Well?
JULIUS: He got in my cab and - HE wanted to go to the graveyard.
MISS GILBERT: Oh?
JULIUS: And he said HE was gonna die.
MISS GILBERT: Did he?
JULIUS: You mean, did he - say so or did he die?
MISS GILBERT: Yes.
JULIUS: He done both, lady.
MISS GILBERT: (AS IF THAT SETTLED EVERYTHING) Well! You see?
(MUSIC ... AN ACCENT ... TO INDICATE THE CAB'S ABRUPT STOP)
JULIUS: (FIRM) Lady. Get out of my cab.
MISS GILBERT: I will not!
JULIUS: You're not gonna die in my cab now.
MISS GILBERT: Well, I will if you don't get to the graveyard pretty quick.
JULIUS: You get out!
MISS GILBERT: I won't do it. I hired you to take me to the graveyard.
JULIUS: You talk just like that Mr. Booth did.
MISS GILBERT: Did you make HIM get out of your cab?
JULIUS: You're darn right I did.
MISS GILBERT: What would you have done if he hadn't got out?
JULIUS: I'd 'a' throwed him out!
MISS GILBERT: Well, you can't throw a woman out.
JULIUS: No. But I can just park here till you get out.
MISS GILBERT: But I won't get out!
JULIUS: Yeah, you will, too.
MISS GILBERT: No, I won't. I'll die right here in your cab!
JULIUS: Lady! Please don't do that.
MISS GILBERT: Then get along to the graveyard. You better hurry, too.
JULIUS: Lady! Please--
MISS GILBERT: Get a move on. There isn't much time.
JULIUS: Lady!
MISS GILBERT: You better take my name.
JULIUS: Why?
MISS GILBERT: You know why.
JULIUS: So's I can - tell the cops who you are.
MISS GILBERT: (CORRECTS HIM) Who I was.
JULIUS: Okay, lady, but I wish you wouldn't.
MISS GILBERT: It's Henrietta Gilbert.
JULIUS: Miss Gilbert, would you please--?!
MISS GILBERT: Drive on.
JULIUS: I'll get in a jam, Miss Gilbert.
MISS GILBERT: Drive on.
JULIUS: Doggone it.
MISS GILBERT: Hurry.
(MUSIC ... AN ACCENT ... TO INDICATE THE CAB STARTING ... THEN BUILDING IN BG)
JULIUS: Why couldn't you take another cab?
MISS GILBERT: Because this is the RIGHT one.
JULIUS: What do you mean?
MISS GILBERT: I knew it as soon as I saw it.
JULIUS: This thing look like a hearse or somethin'?
MISS GILBERT: To me it does.
JULIUS: Well, it ain't.
MISS GILBERT: (LAUGHS) That's what you think. (LAUGHS)
JULIUS: I don't see what you're so cheerful about.
MISS GILBERT: Why shouldn't I be?
JULIUS: Well, if - if you're gonna die--
MISS GILBERT: Oh, goodness, _I_ can't help it - so why cry about it?
JULIUS: (NARRATES) Well, sir, I - turned around and I looked at her. That was where I made my mistake. I turned right around again and - where that streetcar come from, I'll never know.
Oh ho, I didn't miss THAT one.
(MUSIC ... ABRUPTLY OUT)
JULIUS: (NARRATES) Oh, sure.
She was killed.
No, I wasn't hurt at all except for this little cut on my forehead here. You can hardly see it.
Cost me forty-six dollars to get my front axle straightened, the grill work welded. And a trip to the license commissioner's office.
Course, I didn't tell him what I told you.
I didn't want to lose my license and get sent to the goofy house besides.
You - you believe it, though, don't you?
Well ... you will.
(MUSIC ... BRIEF ACCENT ... "TAKE ME OUT TO THE BALL GAME" ... THEN IN BG)
JULIUS: (NARRATES) Yes, there was another one.
Couple weeks later.
Little old man.
Says, "Take me out to the graveyard," I said no, he called a cop.
On the way he asked me to stop at a cigar store and get change for a ten dollar bill. When I come back--
He's layin' on the floor.
Yes. Dead.
I took - three weeks off - and stayed home. The first night I took my cab out, a soldier in uniform stops me.
Yeah, sure. You know what he said.
I didn't get him to the graveyard either.
He was tellin' what it was happened to him in the war, I just heard a funny noise and - there he was.
That time was kind of rough on me. Well, this license inspector, fella named Rice.
INSPECTOR: You know, you're in a jam, Julius.
JULIUS: I haven't done nothin', Inspector.
INSPECTOR: Nothin' anybody could hang on ya, so far.
JULIUS: I didn't do a thing!
INSPECTOR: Four people have died in your cab. Is that nothin'?
JULIUS: One of 'em didn't.
INSPECTOR: Huh?
JULIUS: He was OUTSIDE the cab!
INSPECTOR: Now, look, let's not get into any - technicalities.
JULIUS: All right.
INSPECTOR: Okay. Let's hear your story.
JULIUS: I already told it to you, Inspector.
INSPECTOR: Well, you don't expect me to believe that-- er, malarkey, do ya?
JULIUS: _I_ believe it.
INSPECTOR: You do, huh?
JULIUS: Well, I was there when they all happened.
INSPECTOR: And they ALL wanted to go to the graveyard.
JULIUS: I told you that.
INSPECTOR: Yeah, I know you did. And they all told you they was gonna die.
JULIUS: I told you that, too!
INSPECTOR: All right, all right. Now, I want you to tell me one more thing, Julius. How did they know they was gonna die? Hmm?
JULIUS: I don't know.
INSPECTOR: Huh?
JULIUS: I don't know.
INSPECTOR: Didn'tcha ask 'em?
JULIUS: I never thought about it.
INSPECTOR: Why didn'tcha?
JULIUS: Well, my gosh, Inspector, would you think of that when somebody tells you somethin' like that?
INSPECTOR: I don't know. Never happened to me.
JULIUS: It sure happened to me.
INSPECTOR: What? Oh, yeah, yeah. Er, that's what you say, anyway.
JULIUS: It's true, Inspector! Just as true as I'm standin'-- sittin' here.
INSPECTOR: Julius--
JULIUS: Sir?
INSPECTOR: You didn't kill them people, did ya?
JULIUS: No, I didn't.
INSPECTOR: Hmmmm.
JULIUS: Sir?
INSPECTOR: I just said, "Hmmmm."
JULIUS: Oh.
INSPECTOR: Oh, I oughta suspend your license.
JULIUS: No! Don't! (MORE POLITE) Er, please don't, I mean, Inspector.
INSPECTOR: I ought to.
JULIUS: I gotta make a livin'!
INSPECTOR: You don't have to kill people.
JULIUS: I don't!
INSPECTOR: Well, they die.
JULIUS: EVERYBODY dies!
INSPECTOR: Yeah! But not in your cab!
JULIUS: What?
INSPECTOR: I mean, they oughtn't to die in YOUR cab.
JULIUS: Well, that'd be all right with me, Inspector.
INSPECTOR: You, uh, you can't figure out any reason, huh?
JULIUS: Well, if I could, would I be takin' people to the graveyard?
INSPECTOR: Hey, you got somethin' there, Julius.
JULIUS: I know it.
INSPECTOR: But, of course, if people tell you to take 'em somewhere, ya have to take 'em. City Ordinance eight-oh-nine-bee, nineteen--
JULIUS: I know it, I know it.
INSPECTOR: Uhhh, I can't figure it out.
JULIUS: Me, neither.
INSPECTOR: Must be - somethin' in your cab.
JULIUS: What?
INSPECTOR: Maybe your cab's haunted.
JULIUS: (SCOFFS) Don't be--! (THINKS IT OVER) I mean -- I don't think so.
INSPECTOR: Sure you don't say anything to 'em?
JULIUS: Well, I - beef about takin' 'em to the graveyard.
INSPECTOR: I mean, besides that.
JULIUS: No.
INSPECTOR: Ya - you don't put no hex on 'em or anything?
JULIUS: I wouldn't know how!
INSPECTOR: Hmmmm.
JULIUS: (AFTER A PAUSE) What am I gonna do, Inspector?
INSPECTOR: About what? Ohhhh! Er, (CLEARS THROAT) - Well, you - you can't do anything about these people. They're - they're all dead, ain't they?
JULIUS: They sure are.
INSPECTOR: Yeah, but don't do it anymore.
JULIUS: Don't do what?
INSPECTOR: Or I'll suspend your license.
JULIUS: But, Inspector--!
INSPECTOR: Don't give me an argument now, Julius!
JULIUS: I ain't, Inspector! Listen, I--
SOUND: (INSPECTOR'S FIST ANGRILY POUNDS HIS DESK DURING NEXT LINE:)
INSPECTOR: One more and I snatch your license!
JULIUS: But I tell you that I--!
INSPECTOR: Listen, Julius!
JULIUS: (SLIGHT PAUSE) What?
INSPECTOR: (SUDDENLY QUIET) There must be a reason for it.
JULIUS: But what, Inspector?
INSPECTOR: Where's your cab?
JULIUS: Outside. Why?
INSPECTOR: I got an idea.
JULIUS: (DOESN'T LIKE WHERE THIS IS LEADING) Now, listen, Inspector--
INSPECTOR: What?
JULIUS: I thought you was--
INSPECTOR: Was what?
JULIUS: I guess you ain't, though.
INSPECTOR: Yes, I am.
JULIUS: Now, Inspector--
INSPECTOR: Driver!
JULIUS: Sir?
INSPECTOR: Take ME out to the graveyard!
(MUSIC: BIG, LONG ACCENT ... FOR A TRANSITION ... THEN IN BG)
JULIUS: (NARRATES) Okay, so what could I do?
Well, he's the license inspector, ain't he?
(TO THE INSPECTOR) Hey - h-how do you feel, Inspector?
INSPECTOR: I feel okay.
JULIUS: Goody.
INSPECTOR: Hey, you can drive fast if you want to. I'll square a pinch.
JULIUS: No, Inspector.
INSPECTOR: Go ahead!
JULIUS: I go fast, I bump into somethin', you get your skull busted -- that's all, brother!
INSPECTOR: You won't bump into anything.
JULIUS: Yeah, you ain't kiddin'.
INSPECTOR: You headin' for the cemetery?
JULIUS: Well, you called a cab, Inspector.
INSPECTOR: I don't feel anything.
JULIUS: Stay that way, will ya?
INSPECTOR: When did these people tell you they was gonna die?
JULIUS: Different times.
INSPECTOR: I'll tell ya if I feel like that.
JULIUS: You do that. Then I'll stop.
INSPECTOR: Yeah, that'll be all right.
JULIUS: Yeah. And then I'll run.
INSPECTOR: Well, I feel okay.
JULIUS: Just keep that way, Inspector. It's all I ask.
INSPECTOR: (QUIET) This, er - this here's a nice cab you got, Julius.
JULIUS: Yeah, it used to be.
INSPECTOR: Hey, Julius.
JULIUS: What?
INSPECTOR: This here cab smells funny.
JULIUS: I don't smell nothin'.
INSPECTOR: Well, I do.
JULIUS: Now, listen, Inspector, I--
INSPECTOR: No, no, no. It's nice.
JULIUS: Oh.
INSPECTOR: (DREAMILY) Flowers.
JULIUS: Huh?
INSPECTOR: Carnations.
JULIUS: You - feel okay, Inspector?
INSPECTOR: Sure. And roses.
JULIUS: Listen, now, sir, I--
INSPECTOR: And - and somethin' else.
JULIUS: What?
INSPECTOR: Lilies and--! By golly, that's right!
JULIUS: (GROANS) Ohhh.
INSPECTOR: Lilies!
JULIUS: Ohhh, boy.
INSPECTOR: Say, Julius, how far are we from the graveyard?
JULIUS: We're gettin' closer. You still feel okay?
INSPECTOR: Oh, I feel wonderful. Just smell them lilies and things.
JULIUS: Then I'm glad I can't smell 'em.
INSPECTOR: Just like a greenhouse.
JULIUS: (MUTTERS TO HIMSELF) Oh, he's nuts.
INSPECTOR: Or -- like a funeral.
(MUSIC ... BRIEF ACCENT ... FUNEREAL)
JULIUS: Say!
INSPECTOR: Hey?
JULIUS: (TERRIFIED) Did - did you say "lilies," Inspector?
INSPECTOR: Yeah. Why?
JULIUS: (PURE FEAR) I - I can smell 'em, too!
(MUSIC ... ACCENT ... FOR A TRANSITION)
INSPECTOR: How much further, Julius?
JULIUS: We're - we're pretty near there, Inspector. How do you feel?
INSPECTOR: Elegant! How do you feel?
JULIUS: Awful.
INSPECTOR: I ain't dead yet!
JULIUS: D-don't say that, for gosh sakes!
INSPECTOR: (LAUGHS) What's the matter, Julius?
JULIUS: You sure ya feel all right?
INSPECTOR: Oh, I feel swell! Only them lilies smell awful loud.
JULIUS: Doggone it, there AIN'T no lilies!
INSPECTOR: You smell 'em, don'tcha?
JULIUS: I sure wish I didn't!
INSPECTOR: Look! Julius!
JULIUS: What?
INSPECTOR: There's the cemetery!
(MUSIC ... OUT ... TO INDICATE THE CAB'S STOP)
JULIUS: (RELIEVED) Oh... oh... oh, boy, we made it.
INSPECTOR: Don't stop.
JULIUS: Why not?
INSPECTOR: Go on in.
JULIUS: N-no, sir.
INSPECTOR: Now, listen, Julius--
JULIUS: I don't wanna go in.
INSPECTOR: I hired you to take me to the cemetery.
JULIUS: (MUMBLES) You're on the cuff.
INSPECTOR: Go on in.
JULIUS: Look! Look, I don't like graveyards, Inspector!
INSPECTOR: Go on in.
JULIUS: I don't wanta.
INSPECTOR: Come on.
SOUND: (CAB ENGINE REVS)
JULIUS: (RESIGNED, MUMBLES)
SOUND: (CAB STOPS ... SILENCE)
JULIUS: Well -- now we're here.
INSPECTOR: Yeah. We sure are.
JULIUS: We're here, so - so let's go back.
INSPECTOR: Yeah, wait a minute.
SOUND: (CAB DOOR OPENS)
JULIUS: Where ya goin'?
INSPECTOR: (OFF) Say, this is a pretty cemetery, Julius.
JULIUS: Well -- come on. Come on now, let's go back.
INSPECTOR: (OFF) Yeah, it sure is pretty. I'm glad we came.
JULIUS: Come on, Inspector!
INSPECTOR: (OFF) No.
JULIUS: Well, why not?
INSPECTOR: (OFF) Don't be such a sap, Julius. I'm gonna stay here!
(MUSIC ... AN ACCENT ... CONTINUES IN BG)
JULIUS: What?!
INSPECTOR: (OFF) I'm goin' over here and go to sleep.
JULIUS: Hey! That's a grave!
INSPECTOR: (OFF) Well, what's the matter with that?
JULIUS: But - but, you ain't dead, Inspector!
BOOTH: Oh, yes, he is, Julius.
JULIUS: Mr. Booth?
MISS GILBERT: Sure he is, Julius.
JULIUS: Miss Gilbert?
MISS GILBERT: Why sure, Julius. There's nobody in a cemetery at night, you know. 'Cept dead people.
BOOTH: Sure, Julius.
INSPECTOR: Sure, Julius. That's right.
JULIUS: Well - well, _I_ ain't dead!
SOUND: (BOOTH, MISS GILBERT AND THE INSPECTOR LAUGH, HARDER AND HARDER AS THE MUSIC BUILDS)
(MUSIC: BUILDS TO A HUGE ACCENT WHICH OBLITERATES THE LAUGHTER ... THEN SOUND AND MUSIC OUT)
JULIUS: (NARRATES) Yeah, they was right.
I - guess I'm dead all right.
I took MYSELF out to the graveyard.
Oh, yes, I'm still drivin' a cab, sure.
I only make - one trip, though.
Always out there.
I'll - prob'ly be pickin' you up one of these days.
You - you feel all right?
The cab's waitin' right outside.
All you gotta do is say:
"Take me out to the graveyard."
See ya later!
(MUSIC ... THEME ... FADE FOR)
ANNOUNCER: You've listened to "Quiet, Please!" which is written and directed by Wyllis Cooper. The man who spoke to you was Ernest Chappell.
CHAPPELL: And Mr. Booth was played by Don Briggs. Miss Gilbert was Evelyn Juster. The inspector was Ed Latimer. Music for "Quiet, Please," as usual, is composed and played by Gene Perrazzo.
Now, for a word about next week's "Quiet, Please!", here is our writer-director Wyllis Cooper.
COOPER: "Three" -- that's next week's story. I've always wanted to write a story with a number instead of a title. "Three," of course, isn't written yet but it might be interesting. Listen next week to "Three."
CHAPPELL: And so, until next week at this same time, I am quietly yours, Ernest Chappell.
ANNOUNCER: "Quiet, Please" comes to you from New York. This is the Mutual Broadcasting System.
(MUSIC ... THEME ... OUT)
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Transcript of "Take Me Out to the Graveyard" -- not the original script.
CHAPPELL: Quiet, please.
(SILENCE)
CHAPPELL: Quiet, please.
(MUSIC ... THEME ... FADE FOR)
ANNOUNCER: The Mutual Broadcasting System presents "Quiet, Please!" which is written and directed by Wyllis Cooper, and features Ernest Chappell. "Quiet, Please!" for tonight is called "Take Me Out to the Graveyard."
(MUSIC ... THEME ... UP AND FADE)
---
JULIUS: (NARRATES) "Which one?" I said.
(TO MR. BOOTH) WHICH graveyard?
Well, we got a lot of 'em. The new one, the old one, the Catholic one, the Potter's Field--
BOOTH: Oh, any one'll do, driver. I'm not particular.
JULIUS: You kiddin', mister?
BOOTH: No. Just take me out to the graveyard, that's all.
JULIUS: (NARRATES) Well! You drive a cab twelve, fifteen years like I done, you get some funny ones. Drunks that wanna take you home with 'em, guys that tell ya to take 'em to the Whosit Hotel when you're parked practically in front of it, dames that want you--
Well, ya get some funny ones, but this is the first time I run into this kind o' character.
Well, so I'm drivin' a cab to make a buck, not to argue with people about where they wanna go. So I think: (SLYLY) Lakeside Cemetery. (CHUCKLES, AMUSED) That's the farthest. I can rack up a couple of bucks and maybe there'll be somebody out there who'll wanna take a ride back to town. (CHUCKLES)
(TO BOOTH) Get in, mister!
SOUND: (CAB DOOR SHUTS)
(MUSIC ... SLIGHTLY OMINOUS ... IN BG ... OCCASIONALLY COMMENTING ON THE DIALOGUE)
JULIUS: "Nice day," I say to him.
BOOTH: Mm, yeah. Beautiful. I always say this time of the year is the prettiest.
JULIUS: Yes, so do I.
BOOTH: Good time of the year to die.
JULIUS: Huh?
BOOTH: I said this is a good time of the year to die.
JULIUS: Eh, for my dough, no time of the year's a good time to die.
BOOTH: You gotta die, though.
JULIUS: Yeah, but it ain't good.
BOOTH: I don't know.
JULIUS: (TAKEN ABACK) I don't either. I ain't died yet but I can't get very - enthusiastic about it.
BOOTH: That's why I wanted to go to the graveyard.
JULIUS: Why?
BOOTH: To die.
JULIUS: You - ain't nuts, are ya, mister?
BOOTH: Nope.
JULIUS: Heh.
BOOTH: What's your name, driver?
JULIUS: Julius Peterson.
BOOTH: My name's Booth.
JULIUS: Pleased to meet ya.
BOOTH: B-O-O-T-H.
JULIUS: Yes?
BOOTH: So they can tell people when they ask you.
JULIUS: Tell WHAT people?
BOOTH: Well, you know, policeman, coroners, whoever asks.
JULIUS: I already asked you if you're nuts, didn't I?
BOOTH: (LAUGHS) Well, I'm not.
JULIUS: Well, then you'd better take down your sign.
BOOTH: No, I'm perfectly okay, Julius.
JULIUS: Well, somethin's wrong with ya, if ya talk that way.
BOOTH: Nope.
JULIUS: Are ya hurt? Er, like in your noggin or somethin'?
BOOTH: (LAUGHS) I never felt better in my life.
JULIUS: You wanna look out -- you might REALLY die.
BOOTH: I know it.
JULIUS: HOW do ya know?
BOOTH: Well, that I couldn't tell you, Julius. I just know it, that's all, and - I'm not particularly upset about it.
JULIUS: By gracious, _I_ am.
BOOTH: Think nothing of it, Julius.
JULIUS: You stop talkin' crazy then!
BOOTH: I'm not going to argue with you, Julius.
JULIUS: And DON'T DIE!
BOOTH: Julius, you stick to your driving and let me worry about the dying, will you?
JULIUS: You ain't worryin'. You're all the time grinnin' -- I can see ya in the rearview mirror.
BOOTH: (CHEERFUL) Ah ah, watch the road.
JULIUS: (LAUGHS) Y'ain't afraid o' gettin' killed, are ya?
BOOTH: (SERIOUS) No. _I'm_ not.
JULIUS: I - I didn't like the way you said that, there.
BOOTH: I'm sorry.
JULIUS: How you gonna do this, Mr. Booth?
BOOTH: Die?
JULIUS: Yeah.
BOOTH: I don't know -- yet.
JULIUS: Well, what if you don't?
BOOTH: I will.
JULIUS: (SUDDENLY REALIZES) Hey! Listen--
BOOTH: What?
JULIUS: What about me?
BOOTH: Oh, you'll be all right, Julius.
JULIUS: You sure?
BOOTH: Positive.
JULIUS: (RELIEVED SIGH, THINKS ABOUT IT) Well, that's something.
BOOTH: You know -- it IS a beautiful day.
JULIUS: You -- changin' your mind?
BOOTH: I can't change my mind.
JULIUS: Hey, do you work on the radio or somethin'?
BOOTH: Why?
JULIUS: Oh, I just thought maybe you was one of them fellas that think up these mystery kind o' stories. You know, it's night and you was practicin' on me?
BOOTH: Sorry to disappoint you, Julius.
JULIUS: I don't get it.
BOOTH: You will.
JULIUS: (AFTER A PAUSE) You live here in town?
BOOTH: Nope.
JULIUS: Stranger, huh?
BOOTH: That's right. A stranger. On his last taxicab ride.
JULIUS: (DOESN'T LIKE THE SOUND OF THAT) I'm beginnin' to get a idea about you, stranger.
BOOTH: You are?
JULIUS: I sure am.
BOOTH: What kind of idea you getting, Julius?
JULIUS: Listen, mister -- no suicides in MY cab.
BOOTH: I'm not going to commit suicide, Julius.
JULIUS: Yeah, you better not.
BOOTH: But I _am_ going to die.
(MUSIC ... AN ACCENT ... TO INDICATE THE CAB'S ABRUPT STOP)
JULIUS: (SUDDENLY HARSH) Listen--!
BOOTH: Hey, what are you stopping for? This isn't the cemetery.
JULIUS: I know it ain't but this is far as you're going.
BOOTH: Now, what do you mean? I hired you to--
JULIUS: Get out!
BOOTH: Now, look here, I--
JULIUS: Nix, nix! Get out, Mister Booth! I ain't ridin' any loose nuts to any cemetery with suicide on their mind.
BOOTH: I told you I am NOT going to commit suicide, Julius.
JULIUS: I'll say ya ain't. Not in my cab, at least. Outside, mister!
BOOTH: (CHUCKLES) Well, if you say so, but it--
JULIUS: And the clock says forty cents!
BOOTH: (LIGHTLY) Okay. ... Keep the rest of it.
SOUND: (CAB DOOR OPENS)
BOOTH: You know, you're not going to make it come out any different this way.
SOUND: (CAB DOOR SHUTS)
BOOTH: I really WASN'T going to die in YOUR cab, you know.
JULIUS: (SHOUTS) LOOK OUT!
(MUSIC ... SUDDEN MASSIVE SEARING ACCENT ... INDICATES MAN HIT BY TRUCK ... SUBSIDES TO A LOW RUMBLE ... THEN FADES OUT)
JULIUS: (ASTONISHED, NARRATES) Yeah.
Yeah, he was right.
Neither one of us saw the - gasoline truck that hit him.
How do you figure that?
He called it, didn't he?
Said he was gonna die.
My, was he right!
(MUSIC ... BRIEF ACCENT ... "TAKE ME OUT TO THE BALL GAME")
JULIUS: (NARRATES) Well, like I said, pretty nearly anything can happen to a cab driver. Only, it hardly ever happens twice. So it's a couple o' months later and I'm buckin' the line at the corner of Adams and Fulton and - this girl comes out of a store and walks towards me.
She's wearin' - black stockings. Don't see many gals wearin' black stockings these days. She steps toward the cab so I reach out the window and unbutton the door and I say:
(TO MISS GILBERT) Where to, lady?
MISS GILBERT: (CASUALLY) Take me out to the graveyard.
(MUSIC ... BRIEF ACCENT ... "TAKE ME OUT TO THE BALL GAME")
JULIUS: What'd you say, lady?
SOUND: (CAB DOOR SHUTS)
MISS GILBERT: I said the graveyard. The cemetery.
JULIUS: (DOESN'T LIKE THE SOUND OF THIS) Lady, you kiddin' me?
MISS GILBERT: Why should I kid you, driver?
JULIUS: (AFRAID TO ASK) What - cemetery do you wanna go to, lady?
MISS GILBERT: Oh, is there more than one?
JULIUS: Yes, ma'am.
MISS GILBERT: Oh, well, YOU pick one out.
JULIUS: (NARRATES) I turn around in the seat to look at her. She was just an ordinary-lookin' gal. Twenty-six, twenty-seven. She had on these black stockings. I look at her a minute. I said:
(TO MISS GILBERT, STERN) Lady -- listen.
MISS GILBERT: (INNOCENT) Yes?
JULIUS: Are you SURE you wanna go to the graveyard?
MISS GILBERT: I certainly am. Why?
JULIUS: I - don't like to go to the graveyard, lady.
MISS GILBERT: You don't?
JULIUS: No, lady.
MISS GILBERT: Well, that's all very interesting. But I want you to go to the graveyard. So will you please pull down your flag and start? (PAUSE) NOW, please, Julius.
SOUND: (PUTS CAB IN GEAR)
(MUSIC: FOR TRAVELING ... THEN IN BG)
JULIUS: (NARRATES) It never occurred to me for the longest time that - she called me Julius.
How did she know my name?
Hey, how do you figure this one, huh?
Oh, I don't like any part of this. One trip to the graveyard started just like this - and look what happened.
Well, I figure I'll run out of gas on this dame -- it's been done before when a hack don't want to take you where you want to go. I just open my mouth to say it to her and she says:
MISS GILBERT: And don't tell me you're out of gas, Julius, because I know better. I can see your gauge.
JULIUS: (PROTESTS MILDLY) Lady, I was just gonna tell ya that--
MISS GILBERT: (INTERRUPTS, INSISTENT) The graveyard, Julius.
JULIUS: (NARRATES) What are ya gonna do with a thing like this here? I don't like any little bitsy part of it. I - I try to jump a red light with a cop standin' right there lookin' at me and it - it turns green!
I am sunk.
This gal with the black stockings just giggles and laughs.
MISS GILBERT: (LAUGHS IN BG)
JULIUS: (NARRATES, ANNOYED) She was the cheerful-est woman I ever seen. She leans over, talks in my ear:
MISS GILBERT: (AMUSED) Hurry, Julius.
JULIUS: (NARRATES) I wanted to say, "Why, lady?"
You know what? I was scared of how she'd answer me!
Up Adams to Main. Out Main to Knoxville. Out Knoxville on the way to the graveyard.
And, after a while, she said somethin'. I was - thinking. I said:
(TO MISS GILBERT) What'd you say, lady?
MISS GILBERT: I said, "Can't you drive faster?"
JULIUS: (NARRATES) I thought I was saying, "Lady, they got speed laws in this here town." But that wasn't the way it come out. The way it come out was different.
Well, I KNOW it come out different because o' the way she answered me:
MISS GILBERT: Because I have to get there quickly. Because I've got to die.
JULIUS: (NARRATES) How scared can you get? I - missed the streetcar by about six inches.
SOUND: (STREETCAR BELL)
JULIUS: (NARRATES) Well - I - swallowed my heart back down, drove about half a block before I spoke to her again.
I said it very careful:
(TO MISS GILBERT) I - didn't understand you, lady.
MISS GILBERT: What?
JULIUS: I didn't get ya. Er, what you said.
MISS GILBERT: Oh! I said I've got to die.
JULIUS: I - I thought that's what you said.
MISS GILBERT: You see, that's why we have to hurry.
JULIUS: (HOPEFUL) You don't want to go to a - hospital?
(NARRATES) See, I'm trying to make myself -- what is it? (CAN'T FIND THE RIGHT WORD) Ra-rationalize this thing. I said:
(TO MISS GILBERT) You don't wanna go to a - hospital, huh?
MISS GILBERT: I'm not sick.
JULIUS: Well - well, what's all this about wantin' to die, ma'am?
MISS GILBERT: I didn't say I wanted to die, I said I HAVE to die.
JULIUS: This wouldn't be a gag, would it? No, it - it wouldn't be a gag.
MISS GILBERT: It certainly would not.
JULIUS: No, you wouldn't know about this guy.
MISS GILBERT: What are you talking about?
JULIUS: There was a - guy a couple of months ago, his name was Mr. Booth.
MISS GILBERT: Well?
JULIUS: He got in my cab and - HE wanted to go to the graveyard.
MISS GILBERT: Oh?
JULIUS: And he said HE was gonna die.
MISS GILBERT: Did he?
JULIUS: You mean, did he - say so or did he die?
MISS GILBERT: Yes.
JULIUS: He done both, lady.
MISS GILBERT: (AS IF THAT SETTLED EVERYTHING) Well! You see?
(MUSIC ... AN ACCENT ... TO INDICATE THE CAB'S ABRUPT STOP)
JULIUS: (FIRM) Lady. Get out of my cab.
MISS GILBERT: I will not!
JULIUS: You're not gonna die in my cab now.
MISS GILBERT: Well, I will if you don't get to the graveyard pretty quick.
JULIUS: You get out!
MISS GILBERT: I won't do it. I hired you to take me to the graveyard.
JULIUS: You talk just like that Mr. Booth did.
MISS GILBERT: Did you make HIM get out of your cab?
JULIUS: You're darn right I did.
MISS GILBERT: What would you have done if he hadn't got out?
JULIUS: I'd 'a' throwed him out!
MISS GILBERT: Well, you can't throw a woman out.
JULIUS: No. But I can just park here till you get out.
MISS GILBERT: But I won't get out!
JULIUS: Yeah, you will, too.
MISS GILBERT: No, I won't. I'll die right here in your cab!
JULIUS: Lady! Please don't do that.
MISS GILBERT: Then get along to the graveyard. You better hurry, too.
JULIUS: Lady! Please--
MISS GILBERT: Get a move on. There isn't much time.
JULIUS: Lady!
MISS GILBERT: You better take my name.
JULIUS: Why?
MISS GILBERT: You know why.
JULIUS: So's I can - tell the cops who you are.
MISS GILBERT: (CORRECTS HIM) Who I was.
JULIUS: Okay, lady, but I wish you wouldn't.
MISS GILBERT: It's Henrietta Gilbert.
JULIUS: Miss Gilbert, would you please--?!
MISS GILBERT: Drive on.
JULIUS: I'll get in a jam, Miss Gilbert.
MISS GILBERT: Drive on.
JULIUS: Doggone it.
MISS GILBERT: Hurry.
(MUSIC ... AN ACCENT ... TO INDICATE THE CAB STARTING ... THEN BUILDING IN BG)
JULIUS: Why couldn't you take another cab?
MISS GILBERT: Because this is the RIGHT one.
JULIUS: What do you mean?
MISS GILBERT: I knew it as soon as I saw it.
JULIUS: This thing look like a hearse or somethin'?
MISS GILBERT: To me it does.
JULIUS: Well, it ain't.
MISS GILBERT: (LAUGHS) That's what you think. (LAUGHS)
JULIUS: I don't see what you're so cheerful about.
MISS GILBERT: Why shouldn't I be?
JULIUS: Well, if - if you're gonna die--
MISS GILBERT: Oh, goodness, _I_ can't help it - so why cry about it?
JULIUS: (NARRATES) Well, sir, I - turned around and I looked at her. That was where I made my mistake. I turned right around again and - where that streetcar come from, I'll never know.
Oh ho, I didn't miss THAT one.
(MUSIC ... ABRUPTLY OUT)
JULIUS: (NARRATES) Oh, sure.
She was killed.
No, I wasn't hurt at all except for this little cut on my forehead here. You can hardly see it.
Cost me forty-six dollars to get my front axle straightened, the grill work welded. And a trip to the license commissioner's office.
Course, I didn't tell him what I told you.
I didn't want to lose my license and get sent to the goofy house besides.
You - you believe it, though, don't you?
Well ... you will.
(MUSIC ... BRIEF ACCENT ... "TAKE ME OUT TO THE BALL GAME" ... THEN IN BG)
JULIUS: (NARRATES) Yes, there was another one.
Couple weeks later.
Little old man.
Says, "Take me out to the graveyard," I said no, he called a cop.
On the way he asked me to stop at a cigar store and get change for a ten dollar bill. When I come back--
He's layin' on the floor.
Yes. Dead.
I took - three weeks off - and stayed home. The first night I took my cab out, a soldier in uniform stops me.
Yeah, sure. You know what he said.
I didn't get him to the graveyard either.
He was tellin' what it was happened to him in the war, I just heard a funny noise and - there he was.
That time was kind of rough on me. Well, this license inspector, fella named Rice.
INSPECTOR: You know, you're in a jam, Julius.
JULIUS: I haven't done nothin', Inspector.
INSPECTOR: Nothin' anybody could hang on ya, so far.
JULIUS: I didn't do a thing!
INSPECTOR: Four people have died in your cab. Is that nothin'?
JULIUS: One of 'em didn't.
INSPECTOR: Huh?
JULIUS: He was OUTSIDE the cab!
INSPECTOR: Now, look, let's not get into any - technicalities.
JULIUS: All right.
INSPECTOR: Okay. Let's hear your story.
JULIUS: I already told it to you, Inspector.
INSPECTOR: Well, you don't expect me to believe that-- er, malarkey, do ya?
JULIUS: _I_ believe it.
INSPECTOR: You do, huh?
JULIUS: Well, I was there when they all happened.
INSPECTOR: And they ALL wanted to go to the graveyard.
JULIUS: I told you that.
INSPECTOR: Yeah, I know you did. And they all told you they was gonna die.
JULIUS: I told you that, too!
INSPECTOR: All right, all right. Now, I want you to tell me one more thing, Julius. How did they know they was gonna die? Hmm?
JULIUS: I don't know.
INSPECTOR: Huh?
JULIUS: I don't know.
INSPECTOR: Didn'tcha ask 'em?
JULIUS: I never thought about it.
INSPECTOR: Why didn'tcha?
JULIUS: Well, my gosh, Inspector, would you think of that when somebody tells you somethin' like that?
INSPECTOR: I don't know. Never happened to me.
JULIUS: It sure happened to me.
INSPECTOR: What? Oh, yeah, yeah. Er, that's what you say, anyway.
JULIUS: It's true, Inspector! Just as true as I'm standin'-- sittin' here.
INSPECTOR: Julius--
JULIUS: Sir?
INSPECTOR: You didn't kill them people, did ya?
JULIUS: No, I didn't.
INSPECTOR: Hmmmm.
JULIUS: Sir?
INSPECTOR: I just said, "Hmmmm."
JULIUS: Oh.
INSPECTOR: Oh, I oughta suspend your license.
JULIUS: No! Don't! (MORE POLITE) Er, please don't, I mean, Inspector.
INSPECTOR: I ought to.
JULIUS: I gotta make a livin'!
INSPECTOR: You don't have to kill people.
JULIUS: I don't!
INSPECTOR: Well, they die.
JULIUS: EVERYBODY dies!
INSPECTOR: Yeah! But not in your cab!
JULIUS: What?
INSPECTOR: I mean, they oughtn't to die in YOUR cab.
JULIUS: Well, that'd be all right with me, Inspector.
INSPECTOR: You, uh, you can't figure out any reason, huh?
JULIUS: Well, if I could, would I be takin' people to the graveyard?
INSPECTOR: Hey, you got somethin' there, Julius.
JULIUS: I know it.
INSPECTOR: But, of course, if people tell you to take 'em somewhere, ya have to take 'em. City Ordinance eight-oh-nine-bee, nineteen--
JULIUS: I know it, I know it.
INSPECTOR: Uhhh, I can't figure it out.
JULIUS: Me, neither.
INSPECTOR: Must be - somethin' in your cab.
JULIUS: What?
INSPECTOR: Maybe your cab's haunted.
JULIUS: (SCOFFS) Don't be--! (THINKS IT OVER) I mean -- I don't think so.
INSPECTOR: Sure you don't say anything to 'em?
JULIUS: Well, I - beef about takin' 'em to the graveyard.
INSPECTOR: I mean, besides that.
JULIUS: No.
INSPECTOR: Ya - you don't put no hex on 'em or anything?
JULIUS: I wouldn't know how!
INSPECTOR: Hmmmm.
JULIUS: (AFTER A PAUSE) What am I gonna do, Inspector?
INSPECTOR: About what? Ohhhh! Er, (CLEARS THROAT) - Well, you - you can't do anything about these people. They're - they're all dead, ain't they?
JULIUS: They sure are.
INSPECTOR: Yeah, but don't do it anymore.
JULIUS: Don't do what?
INSPECTOR: Or I'll suspend your license.
JULIUS: But, Inspector--!
INSPECTOR: Don't give me an argument now, Julius!
JULIUS: I ain't, Inspector! Listen, I--
SOUND: (INSPECTOR'S FIST ANGRILY POUNDS HIS DESK DURING NEXT LINE:)
INSPECTOR: One more and I snatch your license!
JULIUS: But I tell you that I--!
INSPECTOR: Listen, Julius!
JULIUS: (SLIGHT PAUSE) What?
INSPECTOR: (SUDDENLY QUIET) There must be a reason for it.
JULIUS: But what, Inspector?
INSPECTOR: Where's your cab?
JULIUS: Outside. Why?
INSPECTOR: I got an idea.
JULIUS: (DOESN'T LIKE WHERE THIS IS LEADING) Now, listen, Inspector--
INSPECTOR: What?
JULIUS: I thought you was--
INSPECTOR: Was what?
JULIUS: I guess you ain't, though.
INSPECTOR: Yes, I am.
JULIUS: Now, Inspector--
INSPECTOR: Driver!
JULIUS: Sir?
INSPECTOR: Take ME out to the graveyard!
(MUSIC: BIG, LONG ACCENT ... FOR A TRANSITION ... THEN IN BG)
JULIUS: (NARRATES) Okay, so what could I do?
Well, he's the license inspector, ain't he?
(TO THE INSPECTOR) Hey - h-how do you feel, Inspector?
INSPECTOR: I feel okay.
JULIUS: Goody.
INSPECTOR: Hey, you can drive fast if you want to. I'll square a pinch.
JULIUS: No, Inspector.
INSPECTOR: Go ahead!
JULIUS: I go fast, I bump into somethin', you get your skull busted -- that's all, brother!
INSPECTOR: You won't bump into anything.
JULIUS: Yeah, you ain't kiddin'.
INSPECTOR: You headin' for the cemetery?
JULIUS: Well, you called a cab, Inspector.
INSPECTOR: I don't feel anything.
JULIUS: Stay that way, will ya?
INSPECTOR: When did these people tell you they was gonna die?
JULIUS: Different times.
INSPECTOR: I'll tell ya if I feel like that.
JULIUS: You do that. Then I'll stop.
INSPECTOR: Yeah, that'll be all right.
JULIUS: Yeah. And then I'll run.
INSPECTOR: Well, I feel okay.
JULIUS: Just keep that way, Inspector. It's all I ask.
INSPECTOR: (QUIET) This, er - this here's a nice cab you got, Julius.
JULIUS: Yeah, it used to be.
INSPECTOR: Hey, Julius.
JULIUS: What?
INSPECTOR: This here cab smells funny.
JULIUS: I don't smell nothin'.
INSPECTOR: Well, I do.
JULIUS: Now, listen, Inspector, I--
INSPECTOR: No, no, no. It's nice.
JULIUS: Oh.
INSPECTOR: (DREAMILY) Flowers.
JULIUS: Huh?
INSPECTOR: Carnations.
JULIUS: You - feel okay, Inspector?
INSPECTOR: Sure. And roses.
JULIUS: Listen, now, sir, I--
INSPECTOR: And - and somethin' else.
JULIUS: What?
INSPECTOR: Lilies and--! By golly, that's right!
JULIUS: (GROANS) Ohhh.
INSPECTOR: Lilies!
JULIUS: Ohhh, boy.
INSPECTOR: Say, Julius, how far are we from the graveyard?
JULIUS: We're gettin' closer. You still feel okay?
INSPECTOR: Oh, I feel wonderful. Just smell them lilies and things.
JULIUS: Then I'm glad I can't smell 'em.
INSPECTOR: Just like a greenhouse.
JULIUS: (MUTTERS TO HIMSELF) Oh, he's nuts.
INSPECTOR: Or -- like a funeral.
(MUSIC ... BRIEF ACCENT ... FUNEREAL)
JULIUS: Say!
INSPECTOR: Hey?
JULIUS: (TERRIFIED) Did - did you say "lilies," Inspector?
INSPECTOR: Yeah. Why?
JULIUS: (PURE FEAR) I - I can smell 'em, too!
(MUSIC ... ACCENT ... FOR A TRANSITION)
INSPECTOR: How much further, Julius?
JULIUS: We're - we're pretty near there, Inspector. How do you feel?
INSPECTOR: Elegant! How do you feel?
JULIUS: Awful.
INSPECTOR: I ain't dead yet!
JULIUS: D-don't say that, for gosh sakes!
INSPECTOR: (LAUGHS) What's the matter, Julius?
JULIUS: You sure ya feel all right?
INSPECTOR: Oh, I feel swell! Only them lilies smell awful loud.
JULIUS: Doggone it, there AIN'T no lilies!
INSPECTOR: You smell 'em, don'tcha?
JULIUS: I sure wish I didn't!
INSPECTOR: Look! Julius!
JULIUS: What?
INSPECTOR: There's the cemetery!
(MUSIC ... OUT ... TO INDICATE THE CAB'S STOP)
JULIUS: (RELIEVED) Oh... oh... oh, boy, we made it.
INSPECTOR: Don't stop.
JULIUS: Why not?
INSPECTOR: Go on in.
JULIUS: N-no, sir.
INSPECTOR: Now, listen, Julius--
JULIUS: I don't wanna go in.
INSPECTOR: I hired you to take me to the cemetery.
JULIUS: (MUMBLES) You're on the cuff.
INSPECTOR: Go on in.
JULIUS: Look! Look, I don't like graveyards, Inspector!
INSPECTOR: Go on in.
JULIUS: I don't wanta.
INSPECTOR: Come on.
SOUND: (CAB ENGINE REVS)
JULIUS: (RESIGNED, MUMBLES)
SOUND: (CAB STOPS ... SILENCE)
JULIUS: Well -- now we're here.
INSPECTOR: Yeah. We sure are.
JULIUS: We're here, so - so let's go back.
INSPECTOR: Yeah, wait a minute.
SOUND: (CAB DOOR OPENS)
JULIUS: Where ya goin'?
INSPECTOR: (OFF) Say, this is a pretty cemetery, Julius.
JULIUS: Well -- come on. Come on now, let's go back.
INSPECTOR: (OFF) Yeah, it sure is pretty. I'm glad we came.
JULIUS: Come on, Inspector!
INSPECTOR: (OFF) No.
JULIUS: Well, why not?
INSPECTOR: (OFF) Don't be such a sap, Julius. I'm gonna stay here!
(MUSIC ... AN ACCENT ... CONTINUES IN BG)
JULIUS: What?!
INSPECTOR: (OFF) I'm goin' over here and go to sleep.
JULIUS: Hey! That's a grave!
INSPECTOR: (OFF) Well, what's the matter with that?
JULIUS: But - but, you ain't dead, Inspector!
BOOTH: Oh, yes, he is, Julius.
JULIUS: Mr. Booth?
MISS GILBERT: Sure he is, Julius.
JULIUS: Miss Gilbert?
MISS GILBERT: Why sure, Julius. There's nobody in a cemetery at night, you know. 'Cept dead people.
BOOTH: Sure, Julius.
INSPECTOR: Sure, Julius. That's right.
JULIUS: Well - well, _I_ ain't dead!
SOUND: (BOOTH, MISS GILBERT AND THE INSPECTOR LAUGH, HARDER AND HARDER AS THE MUSIC BUILDS)
(MUSIC: BUILDS TO A HUGE ACCENT WHICH OBLITERATES THE LAUGHTER ... THEN SOUND AND MUSIC OUT)
JULIUS: (NARRATES) Yeah, they was right.
I - guess I'm dead all right.
I took MYSELF out to the graveyard.
Oh, yes, I'm still drivin' a cab, sure.
I only make - one trip, though.
Always out there.
I'll - prob'ly be pickin' you up one of these days.
You - you feel all right?
The cab's waitin' right outside.
All you gotta do is say:
"Take me out to the graveyard."
See ya later!
(MUSIC ... THEME ... FADE FOR)
ANNOUNCER: You've listened to "Quiet, Please!" which is written and directed by Wyllis Cooper. The man who spoke to you was Ernest Chappell.
CHAPPELL: And Mr. Booth was played by Don Briggs. Miss Gilbert was Evelyn Juster. The inspector was Ed Latimer. Music for "Quiet, Please," as usual, is composed and played by Gene Perrazzo.
Now, for a word about next week's "Quiet, Please!", here is our writer-director Wyllis Cooper.
COOPER: "Three" -- that's next week's story. I've always wanted to write a story with a number instead of a title. "Three," of course, isn't written yet but it might be interesting. Listen next week to "Three."
CHAPPELL: And so, until next week at this same time, I am quietly yours, Ernest Chappell.
ANNOUNCER: "Quiet, Please" comes to you from New York. This is the Mutual Broadcasting System.
(MUSIC ... THEME ... OUT)