12 to 5

Episode 45
Broadcast 4/12/48
“12 to 5”


Announcer: Quiet Please… Quiet Please
(Theme In and under)
The Mutual Broadcasting System Presents Quiet Please, which is written and directed by Wyllis Cooper, and which features Ernest Chappell. Quiet Please for tonight is called “12 to 5”.
(Theme up and out)

Connie (on telephone): Yes ma’am it does get lonesome down here. What? Oh, sure being able to talk to people on the phone helps… Well how’d you like to be stuck away down in the basement all by yourself from midnight to 5 am? With nothing but a microphone, a turntable and some telephones? Ah, sure I got coffee. I bring in four thermos jugs when I go on, I (slight chuckle) I’m coffee up to here. Oh, well, uh only four and a half hours more and I can go home and have breakfast. No (slight chuckle) no ma’am I don’t drink coffee for breakfast. Well, you guess what I drink. No… no… no, you’re getting’ warm, (chuckles) sure, three of ‘em! Well, after all it really isn’t breakfast you see, it’s uh… uh… supper… dinner… somethin’. Sure… (Phone ring) well thank you very much for calling. Good morning. Hello… yes, this is Connie Duffin. Hello, [big?]. Play what!? No I haven’t got I’ll be Glad When You’re Dead You Rascal You. Yeah, we’re not supposed to play it. Oh, since about 1934 or five or sometime. No… no kiddin’! Ah, sure I’ll play you summin’ just… just a little while (Phone ring) the other phone’s ringing. Well stick around, keep tuned to us and you-shall-hear-music (in undertone) says here;(normal voice) uh good morning. Hello Connie Duffin speaking… and how are you? Well, fine thanks. Huh? Settle a bet!? Well, I’ll try. Now is the Hour? Well it’s generally sung in 4/4 time here, but it was originally written in ¾ time. Yeah, that’s right regular waltz time. (chuckles) So I guess you both win or both lose or somethin’. (Phone ring) Sure, you’re welcome. (Picks up next phone) Good Morning! Fine, how are you? Uh yes ma’am the theme used on Quiet Please is taken from the second movement of the Symphony in D Minor By Caesar Franck. I’ll be glad to play a little of it for you, just a second. Let’s see, uh… here she is… played by the Philadelphia Symphony Orchestra under Eugene Ormandy. Here you are.

(Music for 56 seconds. Phone Ring)

Connie: Hello (Music fades out) Yes, this is Connie Duffin. No ma’am, I never lived in Denver. Closest I’ve ever been is Omaha. I played vibraharp and xylophone there in 1932, no, not on the air; hotel. (chuckles) No… no I’m sorry I guess not your cousin. (phone ring) Ok have one for me, good morning. (Picks up next phone) What? (music playing in background as Connie chuckles) why… why sure I’m lonesome!
No, I’m all alone here. Nah, it’s just a little place about as big as two telephone booths I guess. Uh, no the engineer’s upstairs in Master Control. We’re the only people in the station. No, I guess there’s a janitor upstairs in studio fourteen, they had a quiz show up there tonight and there’s probably custard pie all over the stage. Uh… wel… well thank you. They don’t allow me to have visitors. Besides, my wife’s listening. Sure. Verna. (In amused tone) No, she can’t even come down to see me while I’m on the air. Well…well thanks very much. Sure… SURE… uh until 5 O’clock, 5 am. 0500 we used to say in the navy. Well, thanks very much! Good morning… good morning. (Hangs up phone). Uh, friends this is your friend Connie Duffin on the 12 to 5 shift playing music and saying words to you. If you can’t sleep call me up and let’s talk! We talk to everybody; night owls, bartenders, policemen, burglars, music lovers, you know the number! Give us a ring! Now for a little music… let’s see what we have here. It’s uh… it’s the Mills Brothers singing ‘Til Then and while they’re singin’ I’m gonna have me a little coffee and a cigarette so lean back and listen.

(Music: ‘Til Then 42 seconds then fade to background)

Herbie: (Fade In) How ya’ doing Connie?
Connie: Huh? Oh… uh, hello.
Herbie: I’m Herbie Buchanan.
Connie: Well, hello! I… I didn’t know anyone there was anyone else around here except Bob upstairs in the control room.
Herbie: Oh, I’m around every night. What you got there, coffee?
Connie: Yeah, you like some? Help yourself; take the top off the thermos.
Herbie: Much obliged.
(Sound of coffee being poured and drunk)
Connie: You a new guy? No, you just said you were around here every night.
Herbie: Yeah, I’ve been around here for years.
Connie: Well, I never get around here in the daytime, so I don’t know very many people. (Chuckling) Hoover upstairs in the cashier’s office.
Herbie: (Laughing) yes.
Connie: What you doing?
Herbie: Ah, I brought down some news bulletins to read, if you don’t mind?
Connie: Well I should say not. Saves wear and tear on my vocal cords; you in the newsroom?
Herbie: Oh, part of the time, I’ve been a disk jockey, everything.
Connie: Well, if you like, baby, and uh, platter’s runnin’ now.
Herbie: You wanna put me on?
Connie: Sure. (Background music stops) Well friends, we’ve got something new for you tonight. My good friend Herbie Buchanan has just come in with a pocket full of news flashes, and while I have one more cigarette, Herbie will tell you what’s going on in the world; OK Herbie Buchanan.
Herbie: Thank you Connie Duffin
Well, there’s not much new in the way of international affairs. Everybody hates everybody else just as much as they did yesterday, and about as much as they will tomorrow. Let’s see what’s going on right here in our own fair city, if you want to call it a fair city. Chief of police Deems Lopez will be startled to know that a murder was committed this evening only two doors away from the south side station. Hubert W. Cronkite, a retired broker of 2319 West 17th street discovered a burglar prowling around in his apartment, who shot and killed Mr. Cronkite in his bedroom. There are no clues as to the murder’s identity. A taxicab collided with a streetcar at the corner of Pacific Avenue and Maple Grove, killing a passenger and seriously injuring two of the passengers in the cab. The weather today, the temperature is now fifty-two degrees, and as you no doubt know, rain is falling heavily. The correct time is 1:32 p.m. [note: I think he was supposed to say A.M] standard time.
Connie: (Interrupting) Hey… hey Herbie!
Herbie: Huh?
Connie: You got the time wrong.
Herbie: What?
Connie: Well look at the clock, you jerk, it’s 1:02! You’re a half hour ahead of time! (Phone rings) [Picking up the receiver] Hello this is Connie Duffin. What? Not raining? Why Herbie said… what? Ok I will look out the window, hold the phone.
(Footsteps) (Aside) Well, I’ll be darned. Say Herbie… HERBIE… uh yes ma’am you’re right. Well I’m sorry; Herbie must have been mixed up or something. Heheh, thank you very much. Uh, yes ma’am. (hangs up) (quiet) Hey where did (normal) hey Herbie… where did (phone rings and is answered) this is Connie Duffin.
Cronkite: Look here, what kind of nonsense is this!
Connie: Well I’m sure I don’t know what you’re talking about sir.
Cronkite: Making fools out of people! I’m going to sue you!
Connie: Well, what for; for goodness sake?
Cronkite: Are you the man who just said I was shot by a burglar?
Connie: HUH??? ME??? Oh, uh, why no sir, that was a man from the newsroom.
Cronkite: Well he’s a liar.
Connie: Listen Friend, who are you? I don’t get…
Cronkite: I’m just as much alive as you are!
Connie: Well all right sir, but who are…?
Cronkite: My name is Hubert W. Cronkite! I was not killed by a burglar!
Connie: (sarcastically) You weren’t… (shocked) I mean WHAT???
Cronkite: Do I sound as if I’ve been shot!? Now look here young man I demand a public apology! I… wait a minute.
Connie: What?
Cronkite: I said wait a minute. I hear somebody in my bedroom.
Connie: Well but uh, ok. (Phone rings and is answered) Hello this is Connie Duffin. Who? Oh, sure, good morning. No, sir, I don’t think I do know you. What, police!? No… no it was, uh … a gag. No, it couldn’t be, I was just talking to Mr. Cronkite on the phone. Why he’s on the phone right now. I’m just waiting for him to come back. Hello, Mr. Cronkite. Hello! HELLO, HELLO MR. CRONKITE! No, he… he doesn’t answer. Well wait a second I’ve got to put on some music. Music for gosh sakes, this is a radio station! Friends, here’s music from you from yours truly Connie Duffin to you wherever you are.

(Melancholy Baby for 58 seconds, then fades into background)
Lucy: Sure good to have you back home Milton
Milton: Yeah, I’m sure glad to be back, Lucy. You haven’t changed much.
Lucy: (laughing) got awful lonesome for you though.
Milton: I know, I was lonesome too; we were awful chumps, weren’t we?
Lucy: I should say so. Let’s not ever fight again, huh honey?
Milton: Not ever. You love me?
Lucy: An awful lot. You love me?
Milton: Plenty. (Chuckles)
Lucy: Now… now lets just sit quiet and listen to the music. Put your arm around me that way.
(Music comes to foreground for 4 seconds then fades back)
Herbie: (Over the Radio) Are Lucy and Milton listening to me? Are you there Lucy and Milton?
Lucy: Listen Milton!
Milton: What goes on here? That’s the radio!
Lucy: Listen!
Milton: To what?
Lucy: sshh!
Herbie: You’ve been away a long time Milton, since you and Lucy had that quarrel and you walked out on her in the restaurant.
Lucy: How’s he know that?
Milton: Listen!
Herbie: It’s too bad really. You were so much in love, and then this thing happened to break you up; now it’s great to be together again.
Milton: Who is this!?
Lucy: sshh!
Herbie: Happiness lasts such a little while, doesn’t it? It’s such a shame that yours can’t last longer.
Lucy: What’s he talking about?
Herbie: I’d hate to be the one to have to tell you, but it’s going to happen tonight. You’re going to quarrel again
Lucy: (Interrupting) WE ARE NOT!
Herbie: and this time your not going to run out on her Milton
Milton: I don’t know what he’s…
Lucy: Shut up!
Milton: Now Listen!
Lucy: QUIET!
Herbie: because Lucy won’t take it again. Lucy’s got a gun Milton, and this quarrel’s really gonna end things, but good Milton… but good.
(Organ Bridge)
Milton: Lucy?
Lucy: What?
Milton: Have you got a gun, have ya?
Lucy: None of ya business.
Milton: Now listen sweetheart…
Lucy: You’ve got no right to come in this house after six months and start jumpin’ on me!
Milton: This is my house, baby…
(Organ begins playing in the background up to Crescendo)
Lucy: This is MY house! You ran away from me…
Milton: I had plenty of reason to run away from you!
Lucy: Oh, ya did!? Well go ahead and get out now!
Milton: Who do you think you’re talking to…!?
Lucy: I never asked you to come back!
Milton: I don’t know why I did!
Lucy: Well, get out if you don’t like it!
Milton: I will not get out!
Lucy: (struggling) Stay away from me!
Milton: (struggling) Lucy…!
Lucy: Get away from me!
Milton: I say I!
Lucy: Get Away!
(Organ Crescendo)
Milton: Lucy?
Lucy: What?
Milton: Have you got a gun, have ya?
Lucy: None of ya business.
Milton: Now listen sweetheart…
Lucy: You’ve got no right to come in this house after six months and start jumpin’ on me!
Milton: This is my house, baby…
(Organ begins playing in the background up to Crescendo)
Lucy: This is MY house! You ran away from me…
Milton: I had plenty of reason to run away from you!
Lucy: Oh, ya did!? Well go ahead and get out now!
Milton: Who do you think you’re talking to…!?
Lucy: I never asked you to come back!
Milton: I don’t know why I did!
Lucy: Well, get out if you don’t like it!
Milton: I will not get out!
Lucy: (struggling) Stay away from me!
Milton: (struggling) Lucy…!
Lucy: Get away from me!
Milton: I say I!
Lucy: Get Away!
(Organ Crescendo)
Herbie: The time is now 2 am standard time.
Connie: Huh? Oh, I… I must have been asleep.
Herbie: Yeah, I guess you were, Connie.
Connie: Say, where did you go?
Herbie: Upstairs for a minute.
Connie: Ah, you sure got me in a hassle.
Herbie: What do you mean?
Connie: Ah, I’m talking about that guy getting killed by a burglar.
Herbie: Oh, (chuckles) that.
Connie: and getting the time wrong! Bob put it in the log upstairs; what’s his name will jump down my throat tomorrow… today.
Herbie: ummm that’s too bad. Hey, phone’s ringing.
Connie: Oh. (Picks up phone) Hello, this is Connie Duffin. Who? The police!? What? He did!? Why… I don’t know! Yes… uh I’ll come in. Sure… ok… yep (hangs up phone). Listen.
Herbie: What?
Connie: He DID get killed by a burglar!
Herbie: (quietly) well, all right.
Connie: Huh?
Herbie: That’s what I said, didn’t I?
Connie: uh… yeah but…
Herbie: Hadn’t you better get on the air?
Connie: Oh… yeah sure. Uh… this is your friend, friends; Connie Duffin and his records. Now a word from our sponsor. Chappell’s apples are the finest, most delicious, great big eating apples you ever sunk a fang into! Direct to you from the tree to your table in handsome, hand made baskets containing 12, 48, and 96 of the finest eating and cooking apples you ever laid eyes on! Friends, fly at once into the kitchen to concoct a genuine old-fashioned apple pie that’ll set your mouth to watering as it did when mother made those luscious, spicy pies that you [knew?]. You’ll tussle with her over Chappell’s apples, ‘cause they’re just as good eatin’ apples as they are pie apples. Just say CHAPPELL’S APPLES PLEASE to your neighborhood apple dealer, and accept no substitute! First thing tomorrow, Chappell’s Apples! And now… Music!

[Gene Krupa’s Opus One begins playing in the background]
Listen Herbie! I can take a gag as big as the next fella, see!
Herbie: hmmmm?
Connie: But fun’s fun
Herbie: Well?
Connie: So what is this?
Herbie: what is what?
Connie: How did you know that fella’s gonna get killed?
Herbie: Look, it’s on the paper!
Connie: Where did that come from.
Herbie: Up in the newsroom
Connie: Newsroom? There’s nobody in the newsroom!
Herbie: Teletypes are there, they’re running.
Connie: They shouldn’t be, not this time of night… morning.
Herbie: Well, they are.
Connie: You got that off the teletype?
Herbie: ummm-hmm!
Connie: How do you know it isn’t kidding somebody?
Herbie: It isn’t
Connie: Yeah, but how do you know?
Herbie: Believe me Connie, I know.
Connie: Well this all looks funny to me; I’ve never heard of you before.
Herbie: Yeah, it’s true.
Connie: I don’t get it
Herbie: Well… .
Connie: What about that taxicab accident?
Herbie: It’ll happen any minute.
Connie: You wouldn’t be kidding a guy.
Herbie: Not me, Connie.
Connie: You got a union card, uh an AFRA card?
Herbie: sure.
Connie: Let’s see it.
Herbie: here.
Connie: Herbert L. Buchanan… paid up too!
Herbie: Yep.
(Phone Rings)
Connie: Hello this is Connie Duffin, g…good morning.
Bob: (voice filtered) It’s Bob
Connie: Oh hello Bob.
Bob: (filtered) You got someone down there with you?
Connie: Yeah.
Bob: (filtered) who?
Connie: Herbie Buchanan
Bob: (filtered) who?
Connie: Herbie Buchanan I said! What’s the matter can’t you understand English?
Bob: (filtered) yeah… sounds like bllllbllll to me. That’s the way it was sounding on the air. Why don’t you take the mush out of your mouth!
Connie: Listen! I never had any trouble with people understanding me before!
Bob: (filtered) Well I don’t give two hoots who’s down there with you. That’s your responsibility, but if what’s his name hears you going bllllbllll, he gonna pin your ears back like a snood.
Connie: Listen you…
Bob: (filtered) And listen. This is your program! If I was you I wouldn’t be playing a funeral march this time of the morning see!
Connie: Funeral March!? We’re playing Gene Krupa’s Opus Number One!
Herbie: No it isn’t Connie. Listen.
Connie: What!?
(music cuts to an off key rendering of the funeral march)
(phone rings)
Connie: Good morning, Connie Duffin speaking. How are you ma’am? What!? No I just turned it off. Yes ma’am, 12 to 5. Yeah, only a little while to go now. Oh you’re glad. Well, I’m sorry. Well ma’am you have no idea how rugged it is around here. For some reason everything is… slightly mixed up this morning. No I have NOT been drinking; I do not drink on the job. Yeah, I’m sorry ma’am. Well… what would you like to hear us play? 3 O’clock in the morning. Hang on. Here it comes. Listen then.
(3 o’clock in the morning played for 40 seconds and continues playing through the following)
Connie: What? What you say? But Madam I can hear it! Well listen (hums along with the music) can’t you…? Lady I tell you it’s NOT a funeral march
(music dissolves to off key rendering of funeral march which ends with an organ sting)
Herbie: Well, so long Connie I’ll be leaving for a while
Connie: Where you going?
Herbie: Out.
Connie: Well… well wait. Listen, can’t you help me get this all straightened out?
Herbie: No, I’m overdue
Connie: Now wait. W…wait Herbie…
Herbie: No, I’ll see you later. (exits)
Connie: Oh my head. I wonder if I have been at this too long? Who is this guy? What’s he up to? Well, I don’t get it. (phone ring) Hello? Yes, good morning. Well I’ll try sir. No sir, we’re not playing games. I don’t know. I know it! Yeah, I’ll play some music. Yes sir. Yes sir! YES SIR! WELL IF YOU DON’T LIKE IT WHY DON’T YOU TURN OFF YOUR RADIO AND GO BACK TO BED (slams down phone). Oh man. That did it. Oh if what’s his name heard that… oh wow. If that guy comes back in here I’m gonna beat his brains out! Making a fool outta me (phone ring)! Hello!
Bob: (voice filtered) This is Bob upstairs. Stop talking to yourself, your mike’s open!
Connie: Oh… shee.
Bob: (filtered) Yeah. Whose brain you gonna beat out?
Connie: This Herbie Buchanan.
Bob: (filtered) who’s he?
Connie: The fella that was here with me!
Bob: (filtered) never heard of him. Hey.
Connie: What?
Bob: (filtered) You talk straighter now. Cut out the monkey business. Get back on the ball!
Connie: I’m… going up to the newsroom a minute, Bob.
Bob: (filtered) Ok, spin a platter and hurry back.
Connie: Oh… well, friends shall we listen to a little music? All right we’ll… listen to a little music.
(Music Begin the Beguine for 16 seconds)
Now I’ve… got a key to the newsroom
(Music plays for another 12 seconds and dissolves to the newsroom door opening)
Well, nobody here. I thought he’d be… (teletype bell ring) Oh there goes the teletype. (sound of teletype machine in background) Well, what you…? (reading) Herbert L. Buchanan, former announcer and disk jockey on local radio stations, was… was instantly killed in an accident this evening when a taxicab in which he was riding, was struck by a streetcar at the corner of pacific Avenue and Maple Grove!
(Off key Death March Organ Bridge)
(Music fade in)
What? Now I…
Herbie: Hiya Connie.
Connie: Herbie!
Herbie: What’s the matter?
Connie: you…your dead!
Herbie: sure.
Connie: huh?
Herbie: Sure I am.
Connie: Listen! What is…
Herbie: I got only a couple of minutes.
Connie: Well, yes but…
Herbie: I’ve been to the newsroom.
Connie: You have?
Herbie: Yeah… I… I’d better read this to the customers.
Connie: What is it?
Herbie: I’ll have to hurry, it’s pretty near 5. Hold it! A presentment of immanent death [selfed?] by the well-known master of ceremonies of a popular radio record program heard from 12 to 5 each morning, was the actual preliminary to the death of Cornelius “Connie” Duffin
Connie: Hey I…!
Herbie: sshh! Mr. Duffin fell in a coma as he left his studio this morning at 5 o’clock as his program concluded. He died on the way to the hospital. (beep indicating the time). It’s 5 o’clock ladies and gentlemen, open the door, Connie.
(Theme up and into background)
Announcer: Quiet Please for tonight was called 12 to 5. It is written and directed by Wyllis Cooper, and Connie Duffin, the man who spoke to you was Ernest Chappell.
Chappell: And the intruder… Herbie Buchanan… was none other than the well-known disk jockey and commentator Jack LaSculi. Others in the cast were Connie Linton, Marilee Joe, and Ed Lattimer. [someone please check names for spelling] Music for Quiet Please, as usual, is played by Albert Buhrman. Now, my good friend Wyllis Cooper for a word with you.
Cooper: Nobody in this story is at all like anyone else in the world, living or dead. All of them sprang to life from my typewriter and are completely fictitious. Next week’s Quiet Please is called Clarissa.
Chappell: And so… until next week at this same time, and… Clarissa… I am quietly yours Ernest Chappell.
(Theme for 18 seconds and then to background)
Announcer: Quiet Please comes to you from New York. This is the world’s largest network serving more than 450 radio stations, The Mutual Broadcasting System.
(Theme)