The Swap
Paul Knierim
2022
35 minutes
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Godfried - River Godfried is bossy, rude, snobby and bitter. But determined and gets what she wants and good at it. Pre-op, pre-hormones trans-woman. [Paul]
Sam - Sam Tomkins is a relatable downtrodden struggling twenty-something. Analytical. Somewhat cynical and vindictive, but with reason. Pre-op, pre-hormones trans-man... but no need to emphasize that aspect with the acting. [Virginia Hargrove]
Zeit - Dr. Thaddius Zeit, mad scientist, ostracised from the legitimate medical world, whose life's goal has been to transplant brains between human bodies. Tries too hard to act normal and friendly, covering up for the fact that he's a mad scientist. But his affable bedside manner is an obvious ruse and we know he couldn't care less about the lives of his patients, only the thrill of glorious scientific achievements. This is an over the top character who provides a bit of comic relief. [John Gaunce]
Therapist - Dr. Thurgood, a therapist running a gender dysphoria group. [Lindsay Townsend]
Receptionist - Godfried's phone receptionist [Brian Hunt]
Cashier - A cashier in a supermarket [Matt Ellis]
Courier - Just a delivery guy doing his rounds. [David Feldmann]
Cat Caller - Heavily intoxicated 20 year old man. [Brian Hunt]
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Godfried: Quiet, please. ... Quiet, please.
SFX: MUSIC ... THEME ... FADE FOR
Godfried: QuietPlease.org presents "Quiet, Please!" which is written by and features Paul Knierim. "Quiet, Please!" for tonight is called "The Swap."
SFX: MUSIC ... THEME ... END
Godfried: [secretly Sam] Thank you for being here, you don't know how important that is to me. Would you like some coffee?
SFX: coffee pouring sound, clink of cup
Godfried: [really sam] I'll have another cup too. I'm so desperately tired, and I have to keep awake.
SFX: coffee pouring sound, clink of cup
Godfried: [really Sam] No, I don't want you to go and let me sleep. It's vital that I remain remain awake. Why? I'll come to that.
But first, you're wondering why I invited you over when you've never even heard of me before. Well, we have a mutual acquaintance by the name of Sam Tompkins. And what I have to talk to you about concerns Sam as much as it concerns me and you. You'll understand why when I'm done.
Let me tell you how I met Sam.
SFX: therapy background. quiet a/c i guess.
Sam: It's not so much the lack of support from my family that gets to me. I've moved on from them.
Therapist: You're sure?
Sam: I'm sure. What gets me is just whenever I look in a mirror, it's like I'm seeing somebody else's body. I don't recognize this stranger I'm inhabiting, and I need to get out of her and move to a body that matches who I really am.
Godfried: I'd trade you.
SFX: a few nervous laughs from the group
Sam: If only that were possible.
Godfried: What if I told you it is possible?
Therapist: [lightly scolding] You know it isn't, River.
Godfried: [sneering a bit] YOU have no idea what's possible. You don't believe in anything beyond your little therapy script.
Therapist: [calm but firm] That's enough, River. You're being unnecessarily combative and you're cutting into Sam's allotted speaking time. Sam, please continue.
Sam: Well, what really gets me down is how long and painfully difficult the process is to fix this. Six months of these sessions, then two years of hormones, trying to pass while everyone sneers at me, before I can get the operation.
Godfried: You shouldn't have to wait. The official system shouldn't be your only option.
Therapist: [out of patience] Please be quiet, River.
Sam: And even after the operation, I doubt if I'll pass. I'm too short and my face is too rounded. I'm afraid I'll never be seen as a man.
Therapist: Thank you for opening up about that, Sam. It's seven o'clock, so that's all for this week's gender dysphoria group session. Hope to see everyone here same time next week!
SFX: crowd breaks up and leaves
Godfried: Sam, walk with me for a sec, I want to talk to you.
Sam: Okay.
Godfried: This was your second session, wasn't it?
Sam: That's right. I gather you're not a fan of Dr. Thurgood.
Godfried: It's not the therapist, it's the therapy I don't like. So repetitive and dull and slow. Fortunately I've been pursuing a much faster, much better, much more complete solution.
Sam: [disbelieving] And what would that be?
SFX: card giving noise
Godfried: Here, take my card. I think I have the perfect opportunity for you. Call that number sometime so we can discuss it privately. There's money in it for you too. How does a million dollars sound?
SFX: accent and music bridge
Godfried: [secretly Sam] Sam was pretty baffled by our conversation and initially brushed me off as being out of my mind. But deep down he was thinking about it.
Yes, 'he'. You should've been calling him that, he asked you to, but you kept pretending you forgot.
A million dollars. It's not as much money as it used to be with inflation and all, but it sure is a life changer for someone like Sam. You know he was -- I mean is -- just out of college and deep in debt with poor job prospects. Of course you know, you're the reason. Don't pretend you don't remember that website you both worked on, but the domain registration was in your name, so when it took off you sold it and kept all the money. Then you accused him of lying and trying to steal from *you*. Meanwhile his credit card debt was piling up.
So even though Sam brushed me off at first, it's no surprise he found himself thinking seriously about it that night. He googled me to verify that I am more than wealthy enough to pay the promised sum, and to check my online photos matched his memory. He still wasn't sure it wasn't some sort of scam, but he decided it was worth calling.
SFX: phone dialing
Receptionist: River Godfried's residence. With whom am I speaking?
Sam: Sam Tompkins.
Receptionist: What's the nature of your call, Mizz Tomkins?
Sam: River Godfried asked me to call to discuss a... business opportunity.
Receptionist: One moment, please.
SFX: brief pause
Godfried: I'm glad you've decided to hear me out, Sam.
Sam: I figure it can't hurt to listen.
Godfried: [smugly] You know, I'm not just the random shmoe I may have seemed to be. I have the means to do as I please, and I do.
Sam: So I gather.
Godfried: And I'm not used to needing anyone. But I need you, or someone like you. There, I admitted it. Dr. Thurgood would be proud.
Sam: What do you need me for, exactly?
Godfried: Something that will solve all your problems and mine.
Sam: Out with it.
Godfried: It's best I show you, or you might not take me seriously. Come to Zeit Laboratory at noon tomorrow.
Sam: How's that--
Godfried: Z-E-I-T. It's in Folsom, you can look up the address. Doctor Zeit will explain the procedure and I'll explain the financial and contractual details.
Sam: And you're really prepared to give me a million dollars?
Godfried: I'll throw in my house too.
Sam: What? Your house?
Godfried: You heard me. A big house and stacks of money can't make me happy. Although I'll have plenty left, frankly. The only thing that can make me happy is to live as my true self and be accepted that way by the world.
Sam: Well, I feel the same way about the latter. But I also need money.
Godfried: Perfect. Then I'll see you tomorrow at noon.
SFX: click of Godfried hanging up
Godfried: [secretly Sam] Sam wasn't exactly reassured, but the wealthy do have a certain reputation for eccentricity. And he's very curious. That's one of his best qualities. So he was there the next day at Zeit Laboratory, right on time.
SFX: footsteps and door opening, transition from outdoor to quiet indoor sounds. various animal sounds in background indoors along with heater noise.
Zeit: [making a show of being welcoming and pretending to be a normal sane human but not quite pulling it off] Ah! You must be Sam Tomkins!
Sam: [hesitantly] That's right.
Zeit: Godfried told me to expect you, you're just what we've been waiting for! Well don't just stand there by the door, come all the way in, please! Oh I think I forgot to introduce myself, how rude of me -- I'm Doctor Thaddius Zeit.
Sam: Hello Doctor Zeit. So you run this whole place? Impressive.
Zeit: Ha ha, well we're not that big of an operation, well to be perfectly honest I'm usually the only one here. But that's by choice, my research needs privacy. I'm well-funded by a few generous patrons like Godfried and I'm able to pursue exactly the research I was born to do, without any tiresome meddling or inquiries!
Sam: And what's that? What were you born to do?
Zeit: [suddenly awkward] Uh... well, transplants. I research and perform transplants. I'm quite good at it, I assure you.
Sam: So Godfried is after one of my kidneys or something?
Zeit: Well, it's not quite that simple.
Sam: [with a sigh] No, for a million dollars I suppose it wouldn't be.
SFX: door opens and footsteps enter
Zeit: [relieved] Ah! Godfried! Just in time!
Godfried: Have you told him what I want yet?
Zeit: Well... we haven't quite gotten there.
Godfried: Perhaps you should show him one of your test subjects. I don't think he'd believe you if you just told him.
Zeit: Excellent! Good idea! Come with us Sam, to those cages in the corner.
SFX: three sets of footsteps, primate sounds get louder
Sam: [ambiguously so it can be taken as disapproval or disbelief] You've been doing experiments on these animals?
Godfried: You're not some sort of animal rights extremist, are you? Your file said you're not.
Sam: Just asking. Wait, you've got a file on me?
Zeit: A revolutionary medical procedure like this *has* to be perfected on animals before we can try it with people. Medical ethics requires it.
Sam: [losing patience] So just what is it you're transplanting? I see their heads are shaved, but I doubt you brought me here for a hair transplant.
Zeit: Look closely at the skulls of these two monkeys. Around the foreheads.
Sam: Stitches. All the way around?
Zeit: That's right.
Godfried: Oh, for god's sake just come out and say it already! The doctor transplanted their brains.
SFX: sting
Sam: [trying to puzzle it out] Their... wait. Like a brain from a paralyzed monkey into the body of a brain dead monkey, that sort of thing?
Zeit: That's one application, a very noble one to be sure. But it's not what we've done here.
Godfried: He exchanged them. Two perfectly healthy monkeys, now each inhabiting the other's body.
SFX: pause
Sam: But... why?
Godfied: Do I have to spell everything out for you? Imagine doing this with people. With the two of us. It's like you were saying in therapy the other day, you were born in the wrong body. You have the body I want, I have the body you want, so let's trade.
SFX: sting
Sam: [a bit of stunned silence] I... uh, I'll need to see the data on the animal trials.
Zeit: I've got that all prepared for you in a report. I can assure you I'm completely confident this'll work.
Godfried: And I wouldn't be betting my life on it if I weren't confident in Doctor Zeit's work.
SFX: musical transition
Godfried: [really Sam] I hope you've guessed by now that I'm not actually River Godfried, that I'm actually Sam Tomkins inhabiting Godfried's body. I'm sorry I had to deceive you, but you wouldn't have believed me... and if you had believed me you wouldn't have come.
Not convinced? Who else knows about that time we took Mr. Jenson's convertible for a joy ride? Who else knew how we'd sneak down to that cave at night during the summer camp at Point Bonita? [wistfully] We used to be such good friends back then, before you betrayed me.
I hope I don't confuse you by telling the rest of this story from my own point of view, Sam's point of view, instead of continuing to pretend I can tell Godfried's point of view. Just remember our brains determine who we are, not our bodies... or at least, that's what I always thought.
SFX: sting
Godfried: [really Sam] So. Where was I? I took some time to review the medical data. Doctor Zeit had performed the transplant on everything from mice to dogs to primates, his last dozen were all successful and still thriving after months. He'd overcome the need for immunosuppressants.
Godfried went through the details of the social consequences of the exchange with me. He explained that since we couldn't implicate ourselves in an illegal medical procedure we'd be trading homes and -- at least initially -- social circles, though neither of us had much in the way of close friends anyway. Everything would stay with the body, except three million dollars Godfried would put into escrow for herself to recover once she inhabited my body. Frankly I was more relieved than anything to be fully rid of my family, who'd never accepted me, and of course you know I'd lost my friends becase they believed your side of the story. My only condition was that my cat Tuffy would come with me.
SFX: rain from inside car, traffic noise muffled
Godfried: [really Sam] The big day was a bit over a month later. It was just after Christmas, like a present from that procrastinating uncle who always puts it in the mail on the 24th.
I should've been terrified. I was on my way to have my brain extracted in a clandestine, illegal operation by a surgeon of shall we say questionable morality.
SFX: car pulls in and stops, Sam gets out and walks to door, buzzes, it opens and she walks in
Godfried: [really Sam] And yet despite it all I wasn't afraid. All I could feel was hope. There was nothing to lose, and everything to gain. This would be the last time I entered a building wearing the wrong body and feeling hopelessly out of place and misunderstood.
Zeit: [overly familiar] Sam! So good to see you! Not having any second thoughts, are we?
Sam: No. I've been waiting for this day my whole life. Today is my re-birthday.
Zeit: Positivity, that's what I like to hear! Just to remind you, I'll be carefully extracting your brain and storing it temporarily in a life-preserving fluid while your body goes on life support. We'll make sure everything's perfect on both your end and Godfried's end, then we'll patch your brain into your new body. Fingers crossed, we should have both of you out of here sometime tomorrow.
Sam: [half-joking] Will it hurt?
Zeit: Not a bit! You'll get a topical before we take your skull off, and the brain doesn't have nerves. And I can sever your brain's connection to your nervous system as the first cut if you like.
Sam: [apprehensive] Can you remind me why I have to be awake for it?
Zeit: [cheerily] Brain surgeries are normally performed with the patient awake. It keeps you extra safe by letting me see the responses to what I'm doing. You'll help me verify I'm cutting the right connections for as long as you can.
SFX: Godfried's footsteps approach
Godfried: I'm relieved to see that my body has arrived safely!
Sam: [sarcastically] Thought I'd abscond with it?
Godfried: It's never a good idea to put any faith in anyone. That's why I'm paying you, though.
Sam: You're putting a lot of faith in Doctor Zeit.
Godfried: I'm paying him a lot too. If we die, the gravy train stops flowing for him.
Zeit: [bristling at the notion of being a hired hand] This is about professional pride and the advancement of science, not profit!
Godfried: Yeah, sure.
Zeit: [triggered] And I was widely-acknowledged as one of our nation's greatest surgeons before my license was revoked! They were all jealous of me! They thought their timid ways made their patients safer, I say my willingness to innovate gives my patients hope!
Sam: You know, Doctor, I really don't care. If the operation is a success, my suffering is over. If it's a failure, my suffering is over. I win either way.
Zeit: [taken aback by such a willing guinea pig] Well... that's... different. But I can assure you I prefer the outcome where you live. This will be my crowning achievement!
Godfried: [impatiently] Enough chatter. Let's get started.
SFX: three sets of footsteps briefly going into lab with sciency noises
Zeit: Onto the beds, you two.
SFX: little creak of them getting onto medical beds
Zeit: I'll start with you, Sam.
Sam: So that you'll still have your patron if the extraction fails. I understand.
Zeit: I've never had a more understanding patient.
SFX: drill/saw starts
Zeit: You'll feel a slight pinch as I remove the top of your skull.
SFX: some sort of light soft tension music up and behind following narration. we'll here medical noises/beeps too in background. drip of blood iv maybe.
Godfried: [really sam, narrating] You'd think I'd have second thoughts, you'd think I'd leap up and run screaming. But no. I was calm, almost absurdly calm as the doctor drilled and poked and prodded.
SFX: snip
Zeit: Do you feel any change, Sam?
Sam: My sense of smell is gone.
Zeit: Good. I'll be severing the optic nerve next.
SFX: snip
Sam: Everything just went dark.
Zeit: Great!
SFX: snip, then maybe clatter of metal tool falling to floor
Zeit: Oh shit!
I can fix this...
SFX: ominous music? or maybe goofy. continues behind
Godfried: [really sam] I opened my eyes, and I could see again! But something was off. The sunlight was gone from the window... and I was sure the window had been left of me, but now it was right of me. The fluorescent ceiling light had moved too. I quickly deduced I was in the other bed.
Sam: [actually Godfried in Sam's body] *groan* Is it done?
Godfried: [really sam, narrating] I was hearing my own voice, but I wasn't speaking.
Sam: [actually Godfried, shouting rudely] Doctor! Get in here!
Godfried: [really sam] It really worked, Godfried! We've switched bodies!
SFX: footsteps
Sam: [actually Godfried, demandingly] We're awake, Zeit. I'm not paying you to goof off.
Zeit: [ignoring the barb and being cheery] How are you two feeling?
Sam: [actually Godfried] Satisfactory, considering.
Godfried: Like a new man. Thank you doctor.
Zeit: [excited] Then I've done it! It's official! The transplant nobody else in the world dared, and I got it right on the very first try! Oh how I wish you could see me now, Doctor Patel... would you still call me 'fanciful' and 'unbalanced'?
Sam: [actually Godfried, warning sternly] You can't talk about this with anyone, Doctor Zeit. I won't have you getting us into trouble.
Zeit: [coming down, and then up again] Oh, I know. I just like to imagine it. Maybe in a few years we can go public, maybe I'll take it straight to the Johns Hopkins board and be reinstated to my rightful place.
Godfried: [actually Sam] So everything went to plan, no complications?
Zeit: [fudging] Close enough.
Sam: [actually Godfried] When can I be out of here?
Zeit: I need to keep you at least until morning for observation, then you can go if you really feel up to it.
SFX: music transition
Godfried: [really sam, narrating] In the morning, Godfried... or should I call her Sam now?... anyway, she left very early. Forceful personality, that one, no matter the body. I wasn't feeling such a hurry, so I took my time exploring my new body piece by piece. I learned that with my newfound thirteen inches of height I need to lean over to wash my hands, and sitting down feels like a strangely prolonged operation. Once I do sit, I need to arrange my legs carefully or these testicles protest -- that's something I never imagined about being a man. My left eye is now slightly nearsighted. I have pimples on my back. There's all these little things about our bodies that we get used to and don't think about anymore, but when you're new to the body they stand out. But while they might normally be considered annoyances, I celebrated each new annoyance I discovered as a testament to having escaped my life-long prison.
SFX: musical transition, maybe triumphant sounding
SFX: house door opens and closes
Godfried: [really sam] Gosh this house is too big for me. Guess I can sell it in a few months.
SFX: footsteps, opening cupboard
Godfried: [really sam, talking to self] Funny how I can switch bodies and feel at home, but coming home to a mansion kinda makes me miss my crappy little studio apartment.
SFX: hissing
Godfried: [really Sam] Tuffy! It's me, Tuffy! It's Sam!
SFX: growling
Godfried: [really Sam] Oh, you'll get used to it. All you really care about is somebody feeds you.
SFX: pouring cat food
Godfried: [really Sam] *yawns* Gosh I'm tired. I think I'll turn in, if I can find a bedroom in this place.
SFX: footsteps down a hall, then door opens
Godfried: Ah, perfect.
SFX: plopping down in bed
SFX: dream transition music. possibly keep subtle eerie music under whole dream in background?
SFX: groaning awake, movement noises and switch behind next line
Godfried: [really Sam, narrating] I awoke in my bed. With a start I realized it actually was MY bed, in my old apartment. And I jumped up and flipped on the light and went to the mirror, where my old face stared back at me... same as ever, except for the shaved head and stitches.
SFX: sting
Godfried: [really Sam, narrating] I was furious at first, at being trapped back into that old shell. But then I put two and two together and realized this could only mean I was dreaming.
There was a wig on top of the dresser, so I put it on to cover the stitches, and I headed out.
SFX: footsteps and door opening behind those last few words, then we transition to nighttime street sounds with moderate traffic and different type of footsteps on pavement
SFX: car drives by
SFX: wolf whistle
Cat Caller: [drunkenly shouting out car window] Wow, nice body!
Sam: [angrily shouting at car] Fuck off!
Godfried: I was disgusted by very notion that people were sexually attracted to that mismatched shell which conveyed nothing like the real me. But I realized then that this dream was an opportunity. An opportunity to give my old body the forceful rejection and sendoff it deserved, which I'd been unable to give it while I was unconscious on the operating table.
SFX: store people background noise
Cashier: Did you find everything you were looking for today, ma'am?
Sam: Yes.
Cashier: Just sulfuric acid?
SFX: beep of scanning it
Sam: Got a clogged drain.
Cashier: Good luck with that, ma'am!
SFX: music transition continues under?
Godfried: I didn't even bother to go home. Seemed kind of silly to bother with such details in a dream, although I suppose shopping in a dream is also a little silly. Anyway, I just stood in front of the store and opened the bottle. I looked up at the sky, at the stars. And I emptied the bottle onto my face.
SFX: scream
SFX: sting
Godfried: [really sam, narrating] It was the most painful thing I've ever experienced, and that's coming from someone who didn't blink at having the top of his head sawed off. But the pain ended as suddenly as it began, and I found myself sitting up on the edge of the bed -- Godfried's bed. I was sweating.
Could something that felt so real have been a dream? My reason told me of course it was, but something deep and primal within me couldn't accept that.
Something else wasn't quite right, and it was gnawing at the back of my brain. *Light*, I realized. There was a bit of light coming under the bedroom door.
SFX: door opening, soft footsteps
Godfried: I have a spatially organized mind, no matter which body it's in. I remember where things are and I notice when they move or change. When I stepped into the kitchen, I sensed at once that something was wrong. A few seconds later I identified how. The bread box had been opened and the cover was fastened in the opposite direction from how I'd left it that evening. The toaster had been moved a few inches. A knife had been removed from its scabbard.
SFX: drawing knife from scabbard
Godfried: Quietly drawing another knife, I paused to listen intently for any sound that might betray an intruder's continuing presence.
SFX: beating heart, otherwise silence for a few seconds, then a little crash and Tuffy meows
Godfried: Nobody there but me and the cat. I confirmed no valuables were missing, and located the missing knife in the dishwasher. The evidence suggested, absurdly, that an intruder had broken in to make a sandwich and then left.
SFX: music hits and goes behind following insight
Godfried: It struck me all at once. What if my dream hadn't been a dream? What if I'd actually gone back to my old body while I'd slept? And then what if Godfried gained control of my body at the same time, found herself in her old house and made a midnight snack?
Perhaps consciousness isn't entirely in the brain? Could a small part of consciousness remain with the original body, or could some sort of an imprint or an echo be left behind? When our brains sleep, the quiescent brain activity could be overwhelmed by the body's latent consciousness, which then asserts itself as the dominant mind again until waking.
Considering what I'd done in what I thought was a dream, it was a horrifying thought. I held out hope that it was just a thought, until a package arrived in the morning. We'd agreed to fire Jenkins -- too much chance of him spotting that I'm not the real Godfried -- and I didn't like the idea of having a servant in the house anyway... so I answered the door myself.
SFX: walking to door and opening it
Courier: Special delivery package for a Mister River Godfried.
Godfried: [really Sam] Oh, that's me, I'll take it.
Courier: Sign here.
SFX: signing
Godfried: Thank you.
Courier: Have a nice day, sir!
SFX: door closes, a couple steps
Godfried: I wonder if it's for me or for her...
SFX: opening box, unwrapping
Godfried: Oh no! It was real!
SFX: dropping box, glass breaks and fizzes
Godfried: [narrating] It was a small vial of sulfuric acid. There was a note attached, which read:
Sam: [really Godfried, with anger and spite] I know you're responsible. Just wait until next time you fall asleep, you little bastard.
SFX: sting or music transition
Godfried: It's been thirty hours since that delivery. Thirty hours of pondering what Godfried is going to do to me when I fall asleep. Thirty hours of eating caffeine pills like candy and drinking coffee by the gallon. But all is not lost, not yet.
SFX: doorbell rings
Godfried: [shouts] Come in, Doctor! It's unlocked.
SFX: distant entry noises and footsteps approaching
Godfried: Allow me to present Doctor Thaddius Zeit.
Zeit: [looking for a polite way to say victim] This is our... uh, 'helper'?
Godfried: That's right.
I bet you're wondering how you can possibly help. You think it's beyond your power, that I'm at the mercy of Godfried and there's no way out for me. Deep down you're probably glad to anticipate my demise, considering what transpired between us. But no! The good doctor believes he can save me!
Zeit: Well there's a good chance. No promises.
Godfried: Certainly better than the chance I have now, and time is running out. Would you like to explain your solution for our helpful guest?
Zeit: Sure. What we're dealing with here is a sort of bleed through from a remnant of consciousness in the central nervous system. It didn't show up in the animal trials. The solution is simple: next time, I'll apply a unidirectional neural inhibitor band at the base of the brain stem after separation. That should prevent the host body from exerting any influence over the brain.
Godfried: Have you guessed your contribution yet? From the way you're squirming in that chair I think you have. That's right -- you'll be providing my new body.
Zeit: I must say, Sam, I'm pleasantly surprised that you have the fortitude to make this choice. I could've imagined Godfried in her impatience grabbing an unwilling subject, but she wants to try plastic surgery first. But you, Sam... I took you for a timid sort, bound by society's limited morals.
Godfried: [worried] Perhaps I'm not entirely Sam anymore.
Zeit: [imagining the paper he'd write about it] Interesting...
Godfried: But what must be done must be done. It's not like it's murder -- you're welcome to Godfried's body. No, there's no point trying to resist. You're feeling pretty sleepy now yourself, aren't you? That's right, I put something in your coffee.
Zeit: [cheery with a menacing edge] Let's go down to the lab and get started then, shall we?
SFX: end theme
Godfried: The title of tonight's "Quiet, Please!" story was "The Swap." It was written by Paul Knierim and the man who spoke to you was Paul Knierim. Virginia Hargrove played the body originally belonging to Sam Tomkins. John Gaunce was Doctor Zeit. Lindsay Townsend was Doctor Thurgood. Matt Ellis was the cashier, David Feldmann was the courier, Brian Hunt was the receptionist and the cat caller. Sound effects and music courtesy of freesound dot org and free pd dot com. The theme for Quiet Please is taken from the second movement of Cesar Franck's Symphony in D Minor, as performed by the Detroit Symphony Orchestra in 1964. This program is licensed for free reuse and redistribution.